Not So Secret Journal

STICK FLY Broadway Opening Night: Interviews

2011-12-09T09:41:00.001-08:00

"Has anyone ever told you that you talk too much?" --My honest loving friend just said this to me

No, no one has ever told me I talk too much. But I think it might be true. I think I suspected that I was that person who went on and on, but it has now been confirmed. I talk too much. This is why my husband gets a glazed look in his eye when I'm telling him a story. Maybe not good for friendship, but good for hosting. Hmm...new profession?

Check out the recorded live stream footage of the STICK FLY opening night party. Allison Troup-Jensen and I interviewed the cast and artistic team. It was pretty amazing. I'm thankful to Bay Bridge Productions and Laura Wagner in particular for asking me to join the event. It was nerve wracking, anxiety inducing, fun, freeing, exciting and a privilege.

http://www.ustream.tv/recorded/19020226

The checks will come in

2011-09-29T06:48:00.000-07:00

I feel like all I'm doing is working and I have no money to show for it. The checks will come in. Let me keep saying that to myself. It will all work out. It will be fine. In two days I will be able to pay my rent. Something magical is going to happen.

"Just say it"

2011-09-27T14:14:00.000-07:00

I auditioned for Yale Rep's WINTER'S TALE today. I didn't have time to get coaching for it, which I regret, but I think I did a pretty good job. I worked the piece on my own. I was lucky to have taken a class with Tom Hunsinger from LAMDA last summer.

I have to admit, I didn't like him at first. Tom told us that most students disliked him at first. :-) I was so mad at him for such a long time. I was mad at him because he heard me speak Shakespeare's text for 10 seconds and knew all of my habits. He didn't let me waste his time sucking. At the first read through I wanted to cry. I felt so called out. If it was bad, forced, poorly spoken, confusing or over the top you most certainly would hear about it, right away. He let NO ONE off the hook. My ego took a beating and then, for some reason, I was able to hear him. I got over myself. It would've been my loss if I hadn't.

The group scene we worked on was brilliant and not because it was a brilliant piece of theater. It was brilliant because he was able to get through a lot of resistance in our group, get through to us, get us to trust ourselves and him and perform in front of a group of our peers without feeling that need to perform. We were where we were that day. He urged us to use the performance as a challenge. Can you work on all the things we talked about while you have performance energy as well? Bad habits come back in a flash when an audience arrives. I was so proud of everyone for taking that on. I learned a lot that day. I'm having to re-learn and remember the things he taught us though. My habits are pretty intense. They like to hold on.

I've got a real soft spot in my heart for Tom. I'd jump at the chance to work with him again. He was able to communicate to me what nobody else had been able to. He was not impressed by my tricks. He was thoroughly bored with things I'd been rewarded for previously. Every now and then you need someone to tell you the freaking truth about yourself. Thank God for him.

But, if he were in the audition room today, I would've gotten an earful I'm sure. :-) Looking at the list below, I know I was guilty of at least five of these at the audition today.

Here are some of the things Tom said to me again and again and AGAIN:

Just say it!!
You are powerful without adding to the text physicality to "help" the thought along.
Don't work so hard
Don't perform it
Conversational
Just SAY IT!!
Thought
Really communicate
Relax
Release that tension in your face
You don't need to lean forward
You're pushing
Erika, please just say it. You're not really talking to her.
No comic acting
You don't trust yourself. You use your hands a lot when you don't need to.

Gotta love Tom.

Always Starting Over

2011-09-05T16:08:00.001-07:00

I was talking to a friend the other day and he said something to me that changed how I thought about my move to NY.

Starting Over

I told him it was really hard to leave DC and start over in NY. "Leaving behind a career and people who knew me and my work is hard," I said. I've been repeating variations on that theme for months now. He simply said, "You're always starting over." My brain started to crack open as he fucked my mind with his common sense. He continued, "You were starting over all the time in DC. It's no different. But you also can't look at this move to NY as a u-turn. It's a continuation."

Long overdue realization that I'm finally embracing: I am in a really good position to start over again in NY. I need to celebrate the hell out of this fact. I've been looking at it from all the wrong angles. I'm over here touching an elephants ass while blindfolded and telling people it's a leather couch and I'm missing this awesome elephant!

I've been looking at my career from a place of lack. Here are all the things I don't have. Here's where I'm deficient. I've said a number of times that my DC credits don't matter. Nobody cares here in NY. My friend said, "Nobody in NY cares about anything. Nothing anyone has done matters. What are you doing? THAT matters, not what you have done." I think I've been holding on to my history like a badge. I've been holding on and screaming for people to take notice and care about it. I wasn't trying to do anything new, I just wanted people to recognize the old. Recognize how good I was. That isn't moving forward. When you are empowered by your past failures and successes but not encumbered and bound by what you perceive they mean for your future, you can do glorious things.

I have a commercial agent and I'm in talks with a manager, but I think I've only just begun to move forward without having one foot in the past. The future looks like a lot of fun if I allow myself to embrace the creative power and possibilities of starting over.

What am I going to create? That's the question. What am I going to start doing?

"don't manipulate yourself"

2011-08-28T17:40:00.000-07:00

"say what you mean, mean what you say."

"you don't have to become another person. character is created by the combination of your specific behavioral and emotional choices, the text and an audiences perception of the two."

things i remember hearing from two inspiring teachers who both love their craft. i was just thinking of them for some reason.

An Opportunity for Understanding: Clybourne Park

2011-08-26T06:47:00.001-07:00

I would love to have a conversation about Clybourne Park with the theatre community. I have to say that I felt torn. I put up a Facebook status that said something to the effect of, "It was as good as people have been saying it is. The cast is doing stellar work." I wrote that because I thought it was true. It was and still is true. I knew almost everyone in the show and they did amazing work. I saw why it was brought back a second time. It was entertaining, funny, and gasp inducing. But I also felt uncomfortable, not about the actors work, but about the play. So what I said was the truth, it just wasn't the whole truth. I didn't feel like I could say what the whole truth was. Why?

I didn't hate the play. I didn't dislike the play. I just didn't quite get what the play was trying to do/what it was trying to say. Almost every actor of color I know who saw the play was uncomfortable with it in some way, but they didn't talk about it in mixed company i.e. around white people. It seemed like white audiences loved it so much that it would've been in bad taste for artists of color to voice issues they had with it. I say that because I felt that way too. Why?

People voice their opinions about plays all the time though. Right? Why was it not okay to talk in mixed company about this one? Why did it feel that way? If one group of people thinks a play is really doing something and another group thinks it's really not doing something and maybe even doing damage, then that's a problem and we should have an open dialogue about it.

There was a deep split in reactions to this play and that says to me "opportunity." What an amazing opportunity to talk to one another about what this play meant to us. If we, as theatre practitioners, the creators of this art, can't talk honestly with one another about the art we put out into the universe and what that art is saying to people, how can we expect to grow and be responsible? But how do you really have a fruitful conversation about what this play brought up for people? The play is over. The opportunity has passed.

I need to remember to watch myself in moments like these. Do I pull back because I don't want to shake things up and upset people? No...okay, this is what I think it is. I felt like, if I told a white person that I didn't like the play that I'd essentially be telling them that they were wrong and racist for liking it. That's what I was afraid of...that no matter what I said, people would interpret what I was saying to mean they should feel wrong and racist for liking it. I was afraid of shutting people down. The silence that falls on a room when people feel guilty or called out is deafening. Guilt isn't helpful, but because everyone is so afraid of being labeled a racist and because people are seemingly so tired of black people complaining about shit, it makes a conversation about this fraught with hang ups.

But it's irresponsible of me not to voice how I feel. And if I want my friends to understand where I'm coming from and if I want to understand where they're coming from then we have to talk. You know, maybe I'm wrong about why white audiences loved this play. I never asked. Maybe they have a problem with the things I have a problem with too. Maybe they see what I see, but they also appreciate something that I didn't. I don't know. I just think it's a shame that we were all afraid to talk about it. Or...it's a shame that I was afraid to talk about it.

It's really happening...

2011-07-15T20:09:00.000-07:00

i'm trying to look past this present moment to the thing i need, not the thing i want. this play has brought up so much for me. a friend of mine said that the roles we take on have a kind of cosmic relation to us and what we're currently going through in our lives. i don't know if it's my character, but this play has surely taken me on.

"Ithaca is Gangsta"

2011-07-13T18:40:00.001-07:00

This is what Craig Wallace's shirt says. He wore it on the first day of rehearsal. It was pretty funny.

So far so good. I've got A LOT of work to do but I'm enjoying it so far.

A Little Rilke

2011-07-04T20:24:00.001-07:00

"You have had many sadnesses, large ones, which passed. And you say that even this passing was difficult and upsetting for you. But please, ask yourself whether these large sadnesses haven't rather gone right through you. Perhaps many things inside you have been transformed; perhaps somewhere, someplace deep inside your being, you have undergone important changes while you were sad. The only sadnesses that are dangerous and unhealthy are the ones that we carry around in public in order to drown them out with the noise; like diseases that are treated superficially and foolishly, they just withdraw and after a short interval break out again all the more terribly; and gather inside us and are life, are life that is unlived, rejected, lost, life that we can die of. If only it were possible for us to see farther than our knowledge reaches, and even a little beyond the outworks of our presentiment, perhaps we would bear our sadnesses with greater trust than we have in our joys." -Rilke "Letters to a Young Poet"

Memorizing Hell

2011-07-03T14:18:00.000-07:00

I've got to memorize Gem of the Ocean before rehearsals begin since we only have a week and some change to get it up on its feet. Friends of mine are stellar at this. I am not. This is like force feeding myself. It feels so unnatural to learn it all before I get in the room. I just don't learn that way. I learn by figuring out what I want while I'm standing in front of another actor. I associate lines, beats and moments with physical things and awareness of the playing space. I can't seem to get into a rhythm on this one.

I work best under pressure but at this point, I'm in a little bit of trouble. All i know is, I BETTER be off book or the other actors (many of whom are my friends) are going to kill me. How can you have the fewest lines in the play and not know your sh*t? Right? I can't be that asshole. Know your sh*t. Force feed it if you have to but, get it together.

Baby trashes bar in Las Palmas

2011-07-01T10:34:00.001-07:00

Finding My Way Back Home Again

2011-06-28T00:38:00.000-07:00

Found something I wrote over 3 years ago about marriage. I was a little wiser than I've found myself to be as of late. This gives me comfort though.

_________________________

November 30, 2007 - Friday

It’s not about the cake!!
Current mood: thankful
Category: Life

A change gon' come.

I'm about to make a huge life change and get married to Patrick, my friend, my lover, the man who holds me to my word, who pushes me, who makes me be the things I said I'd be, do the things I said I would, who doesn't let me hold my tongue, who calls me on my bullshit, who inspires me, who makes me laugh, who makes me cringe at his buger picking, who refuses to spoon me but insists I spoon him, who always welcomes me when I come home even when I'm moody for no apparent reason.

We've been through a lot in our short 3 years together but enough for me to have an idea of how we'll handle problems, joy and process it all. I don't want to sound like I know what kind of loss or hardship we might encounter but I've got as much of an idea of how we'll deal as one could have. And it never ends does it? We're going to weather and enjoy a lot of life together... if we're lucky. I say lucky because, well, number one I'm hoping we're still alive in ten or twenty years but also because it's frickin hard. Not many people make it in marriage. Statistical fact.

Nobody talks about the hard part. I say "I'm getting married" and everyone talks about the wedding date, the dress, what the ring looks like, what my colors are going to be, where it's going to be, and the list goes on. At first, that's all I thought I should be talking about. That's the fun part. But what I started to realize is that planning a wedding is the easy part. The wedding day is the least of my worries. I should start planning for my marriage instead.

What kind of wife do I want to be? Will it be okay to be moody like I am? When we as people change completely, how do we deal with that? How do we manage money? I don't have any money! What if I'm not happy one day? Do I jet? Do I figure it out? Do I stick it out? What are we willing to do to make our marriage work? Whatever it takes? What happens if we stop having sex?

I want someone to ask me, "How is your relationship?" "Are you nervous?" "Have you talked about the future?" I want to hear a real story. You automatically think that people who decide to get married are worry and problem free. Maybe more people would stay together if marriage and the wedding were more focused on the couples emotional health than what the flavor of cake will be.

I want to make it. However long my life lasts on this earth, it would be a blessing to share it with Patrick. I listened to his parents and their friends talk about their retirement plans. There are all of these stages of life that nobody has a plan for. Maybe you have a retirement plan, but you've never been 60 before you are. They don't know how to do the "I'm getting older" thing. Right? But they're figuring it out together. I want to figure all that out with Patrick. I want to leap into the continuous unkown with him.

It scares me to know that I want to marry Patrick and I want to be with him but that nothing is guaranteed. The wedding day isn't the end of our work. Our lives together are going to require a lot of dedication, patience, love, sympathy, courage, fun, confidence, forgiveness, luck, spit, laughter, honesty...ahhhh! It's exciting and it's terrifying at the same time.

I'm ready.

I'm scared and I'm ready. Can they both live together? Well...they're both present so they can. I love him. I think we'll have a good life together.

12:05 AM

UP NEXT!

2011-06-17T10:48:00.000-07:00

GEM OF THE OCEAN

by August Wilson

Directed by Jennifer L. Nelson

July 20-August 6th 2011

Hangar Theatre

This multi-Tony nominated play is set in the 1904 Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania Hill District. Aunt Ester, the drama's 285-year-old fiery matriarch, welcomes into her home Solly Two Kings, who was born into slavery and scouted for the Union Army, and Citizen Barlow, a young man from Alabama searching for a new life. Citizen Barlow is in search of redemption. Aunt Ester is not too old to practice healing; she guides him on a soaring, lyrical journey of spiritual awakening to the City of Bones.

(Erika Rose plays Black Mary)

Tickets: (607) 273-7890 or www.ithacaevents.com

Clicking my heels

2011-06-17T10:26:00.000-07:00

I'm home!! I've been away from home since February working on STICK FLY and RUINED. It's June and I just got back NY.

I have a new found respect for actors who work all over the country regionally. Not that I was "all over the country." I just have respect for people who don't get to be home very often. I missed my husband. Traveling put a strain on my relationship. I missed my bed. I missed my neighborhood. I missed the bright blue color of our walls that Patrick painted without consulting me but which now give me comfort. :-) I didn't realize how far away I've been.

I've been gone for almost as long as I've been here. I moved to New York in September and left for the first show in February. I'm leaving again mid July to do GEM OF THE OCEAN. That's the last of my out of town gigs this year. It's got to be. I need to be home. I need to be in New York. If I want to build something here, I have to BE here.

I'm thankful for the work, but the work isn't all there is. Life would be pretty empty if that's all there was. What else do I want to build? Where am I building it?

RUINED at Philadelphia Theater Company

2011-06-05T10:24:00.000-07:00

RUINED

Winner of the Pulitzer Prize

By Lynn Nottage

Dir. Maria Mileaf

Philadelphia Theater Company

(Closes June 12th)

Click HERE to visit the Theater's Website

Phone: 215.985.0420

Toll Free: 866.985.0420

Speechifying at the 2011 Helen Hayes Awards

2011-04-28T22:18:00.000-07:00

Helen Hayes Awards 2011

2011-04-28T22:15:00.000-07:00

Helen Hayes Timeline

2011-04-28T18:01:00.000-07:00

TBD Arts & Entertainment Blog

10:04: Let's talk fashion. Lauren Molina, winner for Lead Actress in a Resident Musical for Candide, looks gorgeous in a sweeping gold halter dress. So does Erika Rose, winner for Lead Actress in a Resident Play (Theater J, In Darfur), in her funky blue and green, bold-print dress. Rose's acceptance speech is also one of the best of the night. Though she addresses the crisis in Darfur poignantly, she thanked everyone who saw the show, saying, "In Darfur is not a date-night play, you know? Well, for some people, but they're kinky."

2011-04-28T17:50:00.000-07:00

Director, Ethan McSweeny, announced my category, called my name and handed me the award. He also happened to be the director of the first professional gig I ever did at The Kennedy Center. I photo copied the check from that gig. My first paying gig. $100! It was a small reading with all these heavy hitters from D.C. and New York. I was scared out of my mind and truthfully, I wasn't that good. But here I am ten years later. We grow. We come full circle.

I just won a Helen Hayes Award!

2011-04-28T17:45:00.000-07:00

Ten years ago I was a trophy girl at the Helen Hayes Awards and this past Monday someone gave ME one. I'll share pictures, thoughts and info on the night and what I'm doing now.

PLAYBILL.COM

http://www.playbill.com/news/article/150203-DCs-Helen-Hayes-Winners-Include-Candide-The-Liar-Clybourne-Park-Oklahoma-Thurgood

THE WASHINGTON POST

http://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/style/ties-abound-in-helen-hayes-awards/2011/04/25/AFMQNBmE_story.html

Helen Hayes Super Mario Dust

2011-03-26T16:24:00.000-07:00

You know what would be REALLY cool? If a Helen Hayes nomination came with a special dust that made you, like...invincible at auditions. That would be cool.

I wouldn't even need to book every job, it would just make me really good in the audition room for a whole month or however long I'm a nominee. I'd like that.

Maybe the HH committee doesn't have those kinds of powers. But they could at least hand out an ecstasy pill with every nomination. That would at least get us in the general direction.

Adult bullies get a pass...

2011-03-22T12:30:00.001-07:00

There's a lot of talk these days about kids being bullied. Cyber bullying is pretty awful. You can't get away from it. You can't even find relief at home these days. It follows you to the place you're supposed to be the safest.

The Black Dolph Lundgren
I was bullied twice in my youth and I'm lucky that it was 1987. They couldn't hit me with text messages or say demeaning things on my facebook page. The best they could do, given the time, was leave nasty notes in my lunchbox or on my doorstep if they were really cruel. My bullies never went that far. The first bully was a butch black girl named June who had hair shaped like Dolph Lundgren. The other girl was Raneeka...a light skinned girl who was supposed to be a catch because of her great hair and skin, but had the unfortunate luck of her fathers looks. I got through that time with minimal scarring.

My tactics in dealing with those girls were not vast. I would ignore, laugh off, or kill with kindness. I didn't fight. I didn't shout obscenities or "yo mama." The worst I could've said was, "Fudge you!" or "What the flip?" I didn't curse. I wouldn't have been very effective with the retorts.

And I never had much support from the other kids. They were just glad it wasn't them. They would make sure I was okay afterwards, but nobody would, "save me." The thing we do as kids persists in our adult life I think. "It's not my business. I'm not getting involved." It got me thinking about how we deal with bullying as adults.

I have a few friends in their adult life who've been bullied. I'm talking about being bullied in the theater and at other places of work. Adults might not do cyber-bullying because they're aware of what it might look like to others. They have a certain reputation to maintain but it surely happens.

What chu gone do?
So what does adult bullying look like? It's never happened to me but I've witnessed it and it's not pretty. The question I ask myself now is, "What chu gon do?" Really. What will I do?

Do I condone maltreatment, vicious, vindictive, racist or rude behavior? How do people around that kind of energy handle it? I, like many people I'm sure, choose not to get involved, will talk about it later to people but will never directly intervene. "He's a grown ass man, he can defend himself." But what does it say about you?

What if I actually said something? What if I said, to someone, "you may be well-liked, respected, you may know people who could crush my tiny head in this business, but you don't get to treat people like this. So stop." There's no victory in turning a "blind eye." How can you be nice to a bully and then be nice to the person who is being bullied. Why do bullies get a pass? Why do I give them a pass?

Aren't we a part of it if we don't say anything? It's not enough to come to someones aid after the moment has passed. It has to be when it's happening.

If you think you're seeing something, you probably are. Like, that thing that's said in a room that makes people hold their breath, look at each other in disbelief, turn their head away, abrutply start a random conversation about something else or leave the room...yah...that's the stuff I'm talking about.

A director decimates an actor in front of the cast for no reason other than s/he enjoys being a big fucking prick. Or another actor has decided to throw venom at a "vulnerable" person in the cast. I understand that there is an unbalanced power dynamic in the theater especially when we're talking about a director and an actor, but...there is also power in naming the ugly that's happening. The scariest person in the room is the person who tells the truth...the person who decides to hold someone accountable for their actions.

What chu gone do Rose?

Another Ope-nin, Another Show!

2011-03-21T13:23:00.001-07:00

We opened Stick Fly this weekend. I'm so proud of the cast. Thank you to Vinny and the Everyman Family. It seems like audiences are really enjoying it.

Should be a good run.

Everyman Theater

1727 North Charles St

Baltimore MD

120/96

2011-03-15T09:25:00.001-07:00

My blood pressure shouldn't be this high. Must be stress.

We open in four days. I'm not putting pressure on myself to be "ready" by opening. We'll be wherever we are. There's nothing special about opening night except what I make it. If you're going to be "ready" for anything, I think it should be the show after opening. That's the killer.

***

I'm thinking about my health these days. High blood pressure and diabetes runs in my family. I think my diet is pretty good. I could probably cut down on salt and go easy on the sugar. How do you get your blood pressure in check? Do I need to meditate? New goal: Know what my body is doing and why.

Theater Segregation

2011-03-05T13:33:00.001-08:00

I was talking to a friend of mine about my different groups of friends and how I don't mix them. I'm not talking about how one might not mix high school and college friends together or theater and day job friends together. I'm really talking about actors in the professional theater working with each other and mingling across racial lines. I have a few friends who are kind of "cross-overs" and find themselves at either the black party or the white party, but everyone else seems to float in one circle or the other.

I was thinking about how the work dictates the people. If you're a white actor who only does plays with white people and the occasional person of color, you probably won't be friends with the cast of A Raisin in the Sun. Well, maybe you'll know the white guy in the show. Or if you're only doing August Wilson, you probably won't know the cast of The Importance of Being Earnest, unless it's a "concept" version. And I guess it's bigger than black and white too. How many Latino actors have I been able to work with? Who do I know at Gala? I've never been to a Solas Nua show. When the Asian American Theater company was in town, I never saw any of their work.

It's really important for us to know and work with each other. If theaters don't mix it up, then it's up to us to create opportunities for us to learn from each other. Because, ultimately I think that's what this is about. We all assume so much about each other and most of us never make an effort to find out for ourselves. We're segregated and it's because of the work.

I'm gonna mix it up.

It's okay to believe...

2011-03-01T12:26:00.000-08:00

Four days ago I was kicking myself for thinking about the possibility of being nominated for a Helen Hayes Award. Today, I'm sending out postcards to announce it and fixing my website to show off my good news.

Erika Rose

2011 Helen Hayes Nominee

for Outstanding Lead Actress in a Resident Play

IN DARFUR at Theater J

Advice from Toney

2011-02-25T05:56:00.001-08:00

D. Toney

Are you a professional actor?

E. Rose

(beat) Yes...

D.Toney

Well, strap on your gun and ride hard!

(I love this man)

When do you allow yourself to believe?

2011-02-24T16:54:00.001-08:00

A month ago I started thinking about the Helen Hayes Awards. Why? Why did I do that? And when I say, "thinking," I of course mean, thinking about being nominated for my performance as Hawa. Why did I let myself go there?

I did that show in April of last year and never really thought about what might come of it. I'm usually worried about what people think of my work. Maybe you can never truly remove ego from anything you do, but I'll say...for the first time in my career, I was more concerned about the story than being "good."

There was no place for ego in that show. It was about how we could communicate the nuances of a complicated ongoing tragedy in a personal way. Who doesn't know about Darfur? Everyone knows about it. The question is, who cares about it? How do we get people to care about something that is out of the news and seems to have no answer? How do we make this story personal, current and important? You can't find the answer to those questions if you're worried about gaining praise.

So, here I am, four days away from the Helen Hayes announcements and I'm actually allowing myself to wonder if what I did might earn a nomination. And I'm so MAD at myself for going there. Whether a nomination happens or not, I know my work was meaningful. Right? There's nothing wrong with wanting to be recognized and respected in your field. I do want that. But there is something kind of off in seeing an award as a marker for whether your work was good/worthwhile or not.

When do allow yourself to hope or believe that something might be possible? I don't assume that the universe owes me anything. I'm not due a damn thing. Everything I've received has been a gift and or luck. So, when friends say things to me like, "That role is yours," "You're going to get nominated for that," "You'll get into that school," how does believing that you're going to get it make it happen? It's an American way of thinking. It must be. It's hard for me to believe that God or the universe will give me something because, "I deserve it." What does that mean for the 26 year old Iraqi refugee forced to live in Qatar for an unknown amount of time till war ends in his country? Does he deserve that? Why can't he get what he deserves? I know that's a leap, but I think about that kind of thing all the time.

I hope for the best and believe that I'm good enough, but don't assume it (whatever IT is) is going to happen. Is that a problem or is it just realistic? Am I faithless? I have faith in myself but what will be will be, right?

I'm hoping for a nomination. I said it. How bout that? It's okay to hope and believe.

But why do I want it? What does it mean to me? Why would you want a nomination? Okay, well... it would be an honor. It would be something NY theaters, casting directors and agents might pay attention to. I could drink free alcohol at the after party. Bonus! My family would be proud of me. My husband would be proud of me. But here's the truth, my family is already proud of me and so is my husband. My husband told me the show in question was my best work. I've already been honored by Derek Goldman for even asking me to play the damn character in the first place. Hearing audiences talk about the play and how it touched them was a gift. Being educated at talkbacks myself was a gift. Feeling connected to something bigger than this moment was a gift. Hearing a Darfuri man speak to the cast about how the play touched him and reminded him of home was a gift.

So, I've already gotten all the gifts that show had to offer me. The nomination would just be a really elegant and exciting pat on the back or would be icing on the cake. It would be that awesome cream cheese icing on red velvet cake. But, I'm lactose intolerant and can't handle most icing. You could argue that the icing is the best part, but, I'd never just eat icing. It's more about the cake. The icing is a bonus and my red velvet cake tastes sinful without it.

-The Ramblings of Erika-

Charlayne Woodard's Phone Advice

2011-02-04T15:47:00.001-08:00

"You're not a writer, you're an actor. Write like an actor...CREATE! Get up from the computer and create it." -cw

UP NEXT: STICK FLY at Everyman & RUINED at Philadelphia Theatre Company

2011-01-23T22:22:00.000-08:00

STICK FLY
Baltimore Premiere
By Lydia R. Diamond
Directed By Vinny Lancisi

March 16-April 17th

Secrets unfold when the LeVay brothers bring their girlfriends to the family's luxurious Martha's Vineyard summer home to meet their parents. When they see one of the girlfriends is white, long-hidden truths are revealed in this funny, moving and poignant portrait of a complex African-American family. Under the microscope and unaccustomed to the LeVay's affluent lifestyle, the women challenge the household dynamic. Stick Fly is a fascinating look at sibling rivalry and parental expectatio

n. Playwright Lydia R. Diamond has been called one of America's freshest and most dynamic voices.

March 16-April 17

Everyman Theater
1727 N. Charles Street

Baltimore, MD 21201

For Tickets: 410.752.2208

____________________________________________

RUINED

by Lynn Nottage

Directed by Maria Mileaf

Philadelphia Theater Company

May 20-June 12th

This Pulitzer Prize-winning play is a probing and courageous work about human strength in the face of unimaginable horror. Ruined is a story of silent sufferers in the Republic of Congo who, through sheer will and fortitude, transcend the abominations and embrace life to discover that love is still the binding force amidst the violence, and distrust.

"A true poet of the heartbreakingly mundane in the tradition of Eugene O'Neill." –The New Yorker

Ruined has been supported by The Pew Center for Arts & Heritage through the Philadelphia Theatre Initiative.

Box Office: 215.985.0420

Writing and re-writing

2011-01-23T22:16:00.000-08:00

I'm still writing. This endeavor has been harder than I imagined. I didn't expect to judge myself so much. I've thrown away and deleted a ton of material already. I'm sure all of it wasn't gold, but I'm not at the editing stage yet. I need to chill out and just keep generating.

There are days when I have enough courage to write exactly what I want and days when I'm afraid it's "too close, too personal, too scary." I keep worrying about whether people would actually want to hear this or that. So much judging going on.

I also have days where it seems things are fitting together on their own. That feels good. I'm hoping to gather a few folks together in DC and have a reading this March. I'll keep you posted. The first reading might be closed to a few select people because I'm a chicken, but I'll probably have two readings while I'm in D.C. I bet by the second one, I'll be ready for a wider audience.

Well, who knows. I'll just keep writing.

Training for the Game

2011-01-14T20:05:00.000-08:00

I've been auditioning for Ruined for three months now. It's hard to audition for this play once a month. Holding on to the discoveries you've made and building/growing from one audition to the next proved difficult for me. With a month in between every audition, I've struggled to stick to the core of what made my audition work and struggled to keep making it new.

Today was the final audition for the Arena production. Whooo Lord I'm so glad it's over. I either need to start working on this character in rehearsal or put her to rest. I've been teasing myself with this role. My heart gets involved, I start chewing on the language and I want to dig deeper. But then the audition is over and I have a month before the next one. I'm going to have to figure out how to prepare for a drawn out audition process like this. I should be able to do it. People do it all the time.

I just have to be ready. Plain and simple. I'm guessing athletes train before every game. It doesn't matter if they trained for the last game. If there's a new game, they train again. I worked really hard on the first two auditions and then for some reason, thought I could just recall what I did before. No. I needed to train for this friggin game. The newest game is always the most important game. Screw the two auditions that got me to this point. The audition I was about to do right then was the one that counted.

It wasn't all bad. Actually, none of it was bad. I did an awesome job. I just could've been more awesome. And when you know you could've been more awesome, the "Awesome Fairy" comes to make fun of you and make you feel guilty for not doing your best. That fairy is a tool bag, but she wouldn't come around if I did everything I possibly could to give myself the best chance.

I write all this having no idea what the outcome will be. Whatever the outcome, all of this is still true. Whether I get the job or not, I need to remember:

1) The next audition is always the most important one.
2) If you throw the sides away as a ritual after every audition, at least write down some key discoveries you made about the character just in case you get a friggin callback, man!
3) Train for every game, maybe not marathon training, but you've got to train.
3) Whatever you discovered in the last audition can't be enough. This is a new moment, a new day and requires new effort.
4) If you're not ready to begin when you're in an audition, say so. It's your time and it's the only time you've got. Take it.

I know that I'm right for this role and this play, but whether I showed them or not is the question. (Lift your glasses) Here's to all the questions I'll never have the answer to and all the questions I shouldn't even begin to worry about. Skol! (I'm drinking Ginger Ale)

The Tao of Show Business

2010-12-18T06:19:00.000-08:00

I took another free seminar at The Actors Connection a few weeks ago with Dallas Travers. She was great. This seminar was so helpful for me and I'm considering getting coached by her. These notes are in no particular order. I'm also not sharing all of the notes because my fingers are tired. Visit her site.
----
Your Job

75% of your job is marketing. Authentically tell them who you are and let them decide what to do with that information. There's no difference between who you are at your best on stage and who you are at your business.

Do less more often. (There's the leaf blower and the lazer beam. Go with the lazer beam.)

Fewer People, Fewer Goals, Fewer hours MORE OFTEN. Instead of trying to do everything a little bit, try doing a few things a lot. Have no more than 3 projects going on at once. Create space in your life to have what you do want fit. Say no to things. Finish what you start. Being busy isn't the same as being productive.

Devote 30-90 minutes 5 days a week to your business. It's a process, not an event. Set office minutes/hours. Don't be afraid of a schedule.

You have to see something 7-12 times before you're willing to buy. Your job is not to become seen but to become known by a select few: Casting Directors, Producers/Artistic Directors, Indie Filmmakers and your fans.

Don't get it perfect just get it going. Are you preparing to get ready to begin? Practice imperfection. Just act. Once a month send out your mktg materials to your target list, your lazer beam list of people who you want to become known to.

For info on the really cool idea called The One Sheet and other unique mktg ideas visit dallastravers.com

The Mindset
Conventional wisdom brings conventional results.
Think bigger. Act bigger.
People need to be impacted by your work.
Lightning doesn't strike people, it's about your next move.
What do you wish? What do you expect?
What agreements negative and positive have you made with yourself?

Who are you? What are you up to? What are you excited about?
Always ask what is true for yourself? Discover that. You can't just take people's word for it. Discover what's true.
Action leads to Results which leads to Confidence.

See what Dallas is all about. She's a unique thinker in this mktg business. She's not an actor. She comes from a place we don't and I think she has ideas that are daring enough to catch the eye of those we're trying to become known to.

http://www.dallastravers.com/

Seminar Notes: How to Get/Keep an Agent

2010-12-18T05:43:00.001-08:00

Here are some notes from a free seminar with Lisa Gold at The Actors Connection in NY this past Thursday.

To Learn more visit Lisa Gold's website: http://actoutsidethebox.com.
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Numbers Game
It's a numbers game. 60,000 people enter this business every year. By the third year, 97% of those people have left the business.

You've got to get a ton of "no's" to get to a "yes." If you were selling a blackberry and 7 people said no, but 1 said yes, the blackberry doesn't care. No matter what, the blackberry never cares. We are selling ourselves so it make it more complicated but our product is different than us. If someone said no to buying a blackberry the reasons might be, "I have one already," "I have an iphone," "I can't afford one," "I don't know how to use it," "There are too many buttons," "I don't need one right now," etc. It's a numbers game. You've got to keep at it to get results.

Remember 97% give up within the first three years. If you can last, someone is going to need you at some point. You probably get 20 discount postcards from Bed Bath & Beyond every year in the mail. You might throw most of them away, but at some point, you might use one. And there's a good chance they will be the first place you'll turn to. Some will, some won't, who cares!

Half an Education
The idea that "I'm talented and that should be enough" or "I just want to do my art," is great but won't get you an agent or tons of money. Even if tons of money isn't your goal, the idea that your talent is enough won't serve you. Medicore actors can get ahead because they know how to market themselves. You have so much work to do. If you went to school for theater, you only got half an education. You didn't get a degree in the business of theater. It takes 3 years to figure this business out, to be bold and steadfast in your marketing, get known and make headway. It takes bamboo 3 years to break through the surface of the earth. So, somebody has been watering the dirt for 3 years. People might think they're crazy but they get results don't they? If you try one thing just once and give up, you won't see results.

Agents
They are interested in how you can make money together. They look at you through green colored glasses. It takes a normal agency at least 1 million to function. They have to pay for the space, pay their agents, pay for office supplies, messengers, subscriptions and the list goes on. They only get 10% of the gigs you book. That's not much when you think about the business of it. If you are green, if you don't have "paying credits" on your resume it might be hard to get yourself an agent. It's probably not the right time to get an agent if you have nothing to "show" them yet.

Agents are representatives. They won't tell us who we are. We have to go to them knowing what we have to offer so they can be our salesmen. Don't try to be all things to all people. What's the one thing you are. Associate yourself with 1 thing so your name is on the top 4 list of names that come up when people think of xyz. What do you uniquely have to offer? Market that.

Remember, they are dealing with a roster of lots of talented people. Where would you fit. You have to tell them who you are so they can figure out if they need a "you" at this time. If you don't know who you are, don't expect them to know how to use you.

Don't worry about being Type Cast. The word CAST is in there. It ain't that bad.

Agent Communication
Ask them how you should communicate. Is it okay to call you to ask you to submit me for something? Can I call you during a drought to find out what is happening from your perspective?

You should be advertising even to them. Update your agents on what you're doing.

Call/email during the afternoon in the middle of the week. It's generally the "slowest" time. Don't worry about doing something wrong. "You can't say the right thing to the wrong person. You can't say the wrong thing to the right person."

Mailing Campaign
Send headshots and Postcards

*Send headshot (with a little note card instead of a cover letter)
* 2 wks later send post card "Just following up on the 8X10 submission to remind you that I'm doing xyz."
*1 wk later send another post card (every time, send the same image/shot. say something that speaks money.)

Commercial Class Tonight

2010-12-09T14:10:00.000-08:00

I've never taken a commercial class. I'm excited about it. I have to memorize this copy. I should stop blogging. I'll post my notes afterwards... unless I don't take any.

I misspelled Awwwesome

2010-12-08T09:11:00.000-08:00

Thank you Frank Vu.

Awwwkwwarrrd

2010-12-08T06:34:00.000-08:00

About two seconds ago I stopped cringing about dropping a 12 piece of chicken on the hallway floor in the 5th grade. Just now. I felt it happen. My shoulders lifted a bit...and then cringed again over the stuff I did in the last week.

I'm joking of course. That incident doesn't make me cringe anymore except perhaps somewhere deep in my sub-conscious where chicken still resides. That moment was embarrassing but also plain disappointing.

My parents bought me the 12 piece Chicken for our class picnic. We didn't have enough money to buy anything really. I was going to bring things from our house but all I could offer were a few bowls to put chips in. Then my mother surprises me with the 12 piece! That makes me laugh. Your mom surprises you with Popeyes Chicken. So awesome. But that damn paper carton boxy thing it comes in wasn't an easy thing to hold. I dropped it on the way the picnic area. Kids laughed as kids do. If nobody was around, I would've picked it up off the floor and still taken it to the picnic or at least eaten it myself. When food is scarce dirt ain't such a threat. I had to go over to the trash can and dump it, lest the kids think I was stupid AND nasty for eating dirty chicken.

I have the kind of brain that only remembers the embarrassing, awkward and stupid stuff I've done. Is that how most people are? Maybe. I have friends that can let stuff go so easily. They say something a little tone deaf or inconsiderate, awkward or plain weird and they let it go. They forgive themselves somehow and move on. I'm going to try doing that. I need a ritual or something. An, "I forgive myself" ritual. Or maybe I just need to remember how awesome I am. Maybe I should think about how fucking cool I am as often as I think about about how awkward I am. The scales could just be unbalanced.

...Wait one second....

Hold on....

...Thinking about how cool I am.

You should try it.

New Headshots, No constipation

2010-12-05T15:52:00.000-08:00

I've always hated taking headshots. It's normal for me to end up with 2 good shots, 3 decent shots and 100 really weird ones in various stages of constipation.

This time was different. I was feeling good about myself for one. I thought about how to be active during the shoot and not just a blank-eyed blob. I liked my clothing choices. And my skin looked great even though, 5 days earlier, I had a scab that made me look like Hitler because of a waxing error. Yes. I have hair on my lip. I'd rock a mustache if I was able.

I'm excited to start using these shots. I need some killer monologues to go along with my new shots. I've got to pump some life into my monologue book. New goal. By the end of January I will have 5 new monologues. I can make that happen.

I'm feeling excited and not overwhelmed. That's a far cry from 2-3 months ago. Enjoy this feeling Rose.

My photographer's name is Omar Amador. Go to the page below:
http://peterhurley.com/ph2/omaramador/portfolio.php

Morning Realization

2010-12-02T05:58:00.001-08:00

Just because you have a little milk left in your bowl does not mean you need more cereal.

Waking Into It

2010-12-01T16:24:00.000-08:00

It felt great to finally audition at Arena Stage and be happy with my work. I've gone in three or four times over there and have always left feeling like I cheated myself out of an opportunity because of a lack of preparation or fear. That wasn't the case yesterday. I will do this play, if not at Arena, somewhere. It's this play that I need to be a part of.

Lynn Nottage's play RUINED is a gift for so many reasons. The Congolese women who allowed her to interview them were also a gift to Lynn I'm sure, but she did them a great service by telling their stories. Lynn did us a great service by bringing the play, and in turn, this issue into our public discourse. And I think she made the conversation an emotional one and not simply intellectual. (I've never seen it performed, I'm just talking about it as a piece of literature.)

Ruined is a beautiful play. It is heart-breaking, terrifying, funny, ugly and really complicated. It's also political and not in that didactic-pushy-preachy way. Lynn wrote a compelling piece of theater, that has nasty complicated choices, and real people. They're whole people who aren't all bad or good. This play helped raise money for organizations aimed at helping the women of the Congo. Amazing. Whatever you want to call it, political, social or just a play, it is an awesome tool for action. I think theater is successful when it touches our hearts, not when it proves a point.

I remember sitting in my living room in 2006 or 2007 and weeping for what felt like an hour straight when I saw this HBO documentary on the Congo. I have no idea what it was called, but that was the first time I'd heard about what was happening there. I couldn't believe how alone they all were, the women. I couldn't understand how there was no help for them. They were alone.

I saw that documentary and wanted to do something. But what could I do? What do I know how to do? I visited all the websites that were listed at the end of the documentary, and donated some money. But what is that? It's something, but what could be more meaningful and answer my own need in a more satisfying way?

I don't write plays, but I'm writing one now. It could be the WORST play in the world, but I'm writing. The last 3 years have been a journey of finding my voice in this art. It seems like everyone else has found theirs. The experience of doing In Darfur at Theater J earlier this year solidified something in me. I'm not in this business to hit my checklist of all the awards I want to earn. There's nothing wrong with that desire, but I also know I'm here for something greater. We as artists have the power and must exercise the power to create works of art that move people to be better, to know that they're not alone and to slap us alive. The awards are a bi-product of something greater.

I just have to keep trying to figure out a way to express the thing that's in me that no one else can say.

Waxing Accident

2010-11-28T08:01:00.000-08:00

Before you get headshots taken, try not to wax your lip carelessly.

I'm hoping Photoshop can make me look a little less like Hitler.

Artistic Partner

2010-11-26T13:06:00.000-08:00

I need one of those.

I need someone who can build me up, who's honest, who can motivate me and remind me that I don't suck, who can hold me accountable and who asks the same in return. A friendship doesn't always make a great artistic

The Lost LAMDA Files

2010-11-26T08:20:00.001-08:00

I never really wrote about my experience in London. To be honest, I was disappointed in the program. It was heavy on physical theater/movement and strangely light on text work. Over six weeks we only had three text classes (lecture based). I wanted to be on my feet putting into practice the things we were learning like we did in Movement classes.

Most students seemed to love the program. Maybe the problem wasn't the program, but my choosing that particular program/school. It wasn't exactly what I needed. That's not their fault I guess. The course was called Introduction to Shakespeare. What did i expect? I think I would've been satisfied if the program was as effective at teaching text as it was movement.

The one reason I was happy to have gone to LAMDA this summer was Tom Hunsinger. He's an actor and stage/film director. He trained at RADA and freelances at LAMDA, RADA and a few other places.

He's a shit kicker. I've never met anyone like him before. He can be a mean sometimes as he proudly announced at our first rehearsal/class. We weren't quite sure what to make of that. I think he takes great delight in people not being quite sure of where he's coming from. He isn't easily amused or impressed. Which was awesome for me since I have the need to please every-damn-body. My powers didn't work on him so I stopped focusing on him and started focusing on the work.

He said he was mean, but I don't think it's that so much as direct and truthful. Being direct can be terrifying if you're on the receiving end. A barrage of criticism is hard to handle, so is hearing the same thing over and over again. It's frustrating especially when it's done with a British Accent.

I felt like I wanted to cry on the second day of rehearsal. This is what he said to me, "Slow down." "You're pushing." "You're trying too hard." "Talk to her." "Just say it." "It's simpler than that." "Release the tension." "Don't work so hard." "Conversational." There's nothing really mean about any of this. It just happens that he hit my achilles heel. That was exactly why I was there. He hit a nerve and I wasn't sure how to go about fixing those things. Why do I try so hard? Where does that come from? That's part of the reason I wanted to go to grad school. I had these big questions/blocks that I didn't know how to answer or get at.

He pushed us without much emotion. It was simple the way he talked to us. He tried to be clear. He made some of our actors upset (me included). We all talked a lot about what he was doing, what his methods were and why. It was a mystery to us. He didn't want us to "act". He wanted us to really talk to each other. Talk? How dare you? I'm an a one woman Actor Island! I don't need to truthfully listen and respond as I might actually do! I'm a character and I make my voice sound important! Even though what he was asking us to do was common sense, it felt foreign. It also felt boring and I was scared that he wanted us to perform it for our peers that way.

It took us a while to get on board but all of the sudden it became a gift, the way he was working with us. The showcase was for the audience but it was more for us. It wasn't for a paying audience so we could allow ourselves to be in process and see what it felt like to concentrate on listening, truthfully responding and being honest without letting the "Shakespeare Actor" take over. It was a great feeling.

He was pleased with how it turned out. We were too. We gave him a card. Who would've thought that we'd be sentimental at the end? Tom was too. That first rehearsal I was kind of skeptical. Who does he think he is? Why isn't he impressed with my shmackting? He might rub people the wrong way and I'd understand if they didn't vibe with him, but Tom is a dope director and he can help you if you're up for it. He opened up a lot for me. I got to work on some bad habits and I hope what I was able to learn with him continues to influence my work.

I'm going to post a few notes/observations from his session in the coming days.

It's the Season to be Pregnant

2010-11-26T06:23:00.000-08:00

I'm seeing babies everywhere these days.

Years ago, it was the season to get married. Now tis the season to have babies. We're getting older. It's what happens.

My clock has been ticking for years. It's just speeding up a bit seeing all these Facebook photos of new mothers and fathers. Baby in a basket, baby in a hat, baby making an adult face, baby eating someones head, baby smiling that smile that makes you want to eat them. Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick.

I'll risk sounding like a jerk and tell you what I used to wish for. When I first started dating my husband, who is white, I used to think about what our children would look like. People have always said we'd have the cutest babies. Anyway, I remember saying, "I hope our baby is at least a little brown. I don't want to look like the nanny."

Okay, so you can judge that statement a million different ways, but I'm only going to focus on one thing. Who said I even get to have a baby? Will it be easy to get pregnant? What if it takes five years or more? What if I can't get pregnant? My body could say, "Nope. Not doing that." In my 20's I was worrying about all these vain hypotheticals. I say 20's like I've been out of them for SO long.

Maybe I'll gain 30 lbs. Maybe it'll be hard to lose weight after giving birth. So what? I'm sure it won't be a 'so what' if it happens but right now, so what. Childbirth is not a guarantee for anyone. It happens everyday but it doesn't have to happen to you. So I'll be thankful to gain 30 lbs bringing our baby into the world. It's a baby! It's not like I'm passing a Thanksgiving meal through my ass. That's easy. We're talking about a life here. You might gain a pound or two. I'm hoping that when we try, it's easy. If it's not easy, I hope it happens eventually. And if it doesn't happen, I wish my husband and I patience and love for each other. (And this is just about birthing one. How you raise the beautiful beast and how it changes your relationship is another story.)

My husband is about to be an Uncle. I'm very excited about this. I've been an aunt for 9 years. I'm a seasoned professional. We still need to get our "God-Parent" on. Friends? Need a God-Parent? We're available.

Call 202-GOD-PARNT

202-GOD-PRNT

202-GOD-PARET

202-GOD-PARENT

You really can't abbreviate parent.

Coaching Session

2010-11-23T18:41:00.000-08:00

I just had a coaching session with Charles GoForth, Labyrinth Theater Company Member. After taking the LAB Masterclass, I knew I wanted to work with him again. He's specific, passionate, engaging, smart and searches for what gets the actor going, not what gets him going. He pushes you to ask questions and have the courage to see what happens without manipulating yourself.

He is exciting to work with because he gets engaged by the material in a personal way. What gets you going? What questions will awaken your excitement? That's where he focuses.

So glad I was able to meet with him. He helped open up a great deal for me. I'll feel good going in to this audition.

Paging Erika...

2010-11-23T18:37:00.001-08:00

Erika? Are you there?

I'm writing. I'm writing in chunks. I'm making music to accompany what I'm writing. I stopped for a while because I was judging what I'd written. I was thinking about how depressing it all was. I kept thinking, nobody is going to come and see this. People want a feel good coming of age comedy and what I'm writing is not that. I don't know what it is, but it's not that.

I want to sit with friends and read what I've got so far some time in January. I need to know what this is. Maybe this is just an artistic exercise. Perhaps it won't go further than a reading. I just need to get a first draft. I can't decide what it is right now.

Drowning Beauty (Artist Jason de Caires Taylor)

2010-11-17T07:46:00.000-08:00

"Sometimes an artist creates something so beautifully simple that it takes your breath away…. literally. Artist Jason de Caires Taylor creates life-size cement sculptures of people and submerges them into the waters of South America. As time passes the sculptures become part of the underwater landscape and slowly become artificial reefs ripe with marine life. The process of experiencing artwork out of a traditional gallery and underwater is described with intimately vivid detail.

http://24flinching.com/word/gold-seal/inspiring-artists/drowning-beautiful/?ref=nf

Motherhood Madness WSJ Article

2010-11-17T06:01:00.000-08:00

By ERICA JONG

Unless you've been living on another planet, you know that we have endured an orgy of motherphilia for at least the last two decades. Movie stars proudly display their baby bumps, and the shiny magazines at the checkout counter never tire of describing the joys of celebrity parenthood. Bearing and rearing children has come to be seen as life's greatest good. Never mind that there are now enough abandoned children on the planet to make breeding unnecessary. Professional narcissists like Angelina Jolie and Madonna want their own little replicas in addition to the African and Asian children that they collect to advertise their open-mindedness. Nannies are seldom photographed in these carefully arranged family scenes. We are to assume that all this baby-minding is painless, easy and cheap.

The mega-popularity of "The Baby Book" by William and Martha Sears, has helped spur the "attachment parenting" trend, where moms and dads are advised to cater to their children. Author and feminist activist Erica Jong says it's an unhealthy trend that may harm parents and children.

Today's bible of child-rearing is "The Baby Book" by William and Martha Sears, which trumpets "attachment parenting." You wear your baby, sleep with her and attune yourself totally to her needs. How you do this and also earn the money to keep her is rarely discussed. You are just assumed to be rich enough. At one point, the Searses suggest that you borrow money so that you can bend your life to the baby's needs. If there are other caregivers, they are invisible. Mother and father are presumed to be able to do this alone—without the village it takes to raise any child. Add to this the dictates of "green" parenting—homemade baby food, cloth diapers, a cocoon of clockless, unscheduled time—and you have our new ideal. Anything less is bad for baby. Parents be damned.

We also assume that "mother" and "father" are exclusive terms, though in other cultures, these terms are applied to a variety of aunts, uncles and other adults. Kinship is not exclusively biological, after all, and you need a brood to raise a brood. Cooperative child-rearing is obviously convenient, but some anthropologists believe that it also serves another more important function: Multiple caregivers enhance the cognitive skills of babies and young children. Any family in which there are parents, grandparents, nannies and other concerned adults understands how readily children adapt to different caregivers. Surely this prepares them better for life than stressed-out biological parents alone. Some of these stressed-out parents have come to loathe Dr. Sears and his wife and consider them condescending colonialists in love with noble savagery.

Josef Koudelka/Magnum Photos

We like to think mothering has always been the same, but it's encompassed practices as diverse as baby farming, wet nursing and infanticide.

Someday "attachment parenting" may be seen as quaint, but today it's assumed that we can perfect our babies by the way we nurture them. Few of us question the idea, and American mothers and fathers run themselves ragged trying to mold exceptional children. It's a highly competitive race. No parent wants to be told it all may be for naught, especially, say, a woman lawyer who has quit her firm to raise a child. She is assumed to be pursuing a higher goal, and hard work is supposed to pay off, whether in the office or at home. We dare not question these assumptions.

No wonder that Elisabeth Badinter's book "Le Conflit: La Femme and La Mere" ("The Conflict: Woman and Mother") has become a best seller in France and will soon be published around the world. Ms. Badinter dares to question attachment parenting, arguing that such supposedly benign expectations victimize women far more than men have ever done. Attachment parenting, especially when combined with environmental correctness, has encouraged female victimization. Women feel not only that they must be ever-present for their children but also that they must breast-feed, make their own baby food and eschew disposable diapers. It's a prison for mothers, and it represents as much of a backlash against women's freedom as the right-to-life movement.

Celebrity Moms

Celebrity moms often make parenting look easy:

Getty Images

Madonna with daughter Mercy James in April.

Getty Images

Gisele Bündchen with baby Benjamin in September.

Getty Images

Angelina Jolie with Zahara and Maddox in 2007.

When a celebrity mother like the supermodel Gisele Bündchen declares that all women should be required to breast-feed, she is echoing green-parenting propaganda, perhaps unknowingly. Mothers are guilty enough without more rules about mothering. I liked breast-feeding. My daughter hated it. Mothers must be free to choose. But politicians may yet find ways to impose rules on motherhood. Mandatory breast-feeding isn't imminent, but it's not hard to imagine that the "food police" might become something more than a punch line about overreaching government. Mothers, after all, are easy scapegoats.

In truth, nothing is more malleable than motherhood. We like to imagine that mothering is immutable and decreed by natural law, but in fact it has encompassed such disparate practices as baby farming, wet-nursing and infanticide. The possessive, almost proprietary motherhood that we consider natural today would have been anathema to early kibbutzniks in Israel. In our day motherhood has been glamorized, and in certain circles, children have become the ultimate accessories. But we should not fool ourselves: Treating children like expensive accessories may be the ultimate bondage for women.

Is it even possible to satisfy the needs of both parents and children? In agrarian societies, perhaps wearing your baby was the norm, but today's corporate culture scarcely makes room for breast-feeding on the job, let alone baby-wearing. So it seems we have devised a new torture for mothers—a set of expectations that makes them feel inadequate no matter how passionately they attend to their children.

I try to imagine what it would have been like for me to follow the suggestions of attachment parenting while I was a single mother and full-time bread-winner. I would have had to take my baby on lecture tours, in and out of airports, television stations and hotels. But that was impossible. Her schedule and mine could not have diverged more. So I hired nannies, left my daughter home and felt guilty for my own imperfect attachment. I can't imagine having done it any other way. Even if every hotel and every airport had had a beautiful baby facility—which, of course, they didn't—the schedules of children are not so malleable. Children are naturally afraid of unfamiliar baby sitters, so parents change their lives to accommodate them. In the absence of societal adjustment to the needs of children, parents have to revise their own schedules.

We are in a period of retrenchment against progressive social policies, and the women pursuing political life today owe more to Evita Peron than to Eleanor Roosevelt. "Mama grizzlies" like Sarah Palin never acknowledge that there are any difficulties in bearing and raising children. Nor do they acknowledge any helpers as they thrust their babies into the arms of siblings or daddies. The baby has become the ultimate political tool.

2,000 Years of Parenting Advice

Proper measures must be taken to ensure that [children] shall be tactful and courteous in their address; for nothing is so deservedly disliked as tactless characters. —"The Education of Children," Plutarch, A.D. 110
I will also advise his feet to be wash'd every day in cold water, and to have his shoes so thin, that they might leak and let in water.… It is recommendable for its cleanliness; but that which I aim at in it, is health; and therefore I limit it not precisely to any time of the day. —"Some Thoughts Concerning Education," John Locke, 1693
But let mothers deign to nurse their children, morals will reform themselves, nature's sentiments will be awakened in every heart, the state will be repeopled. —"Emile: or, On Education," Jean-Jacques Rousseau, 1762
Even very little children are happy when they think they are useful. "I can do some good—can't I, mother?" is one of the first questions asked….Let them go out with their little basket, to weed the garden, to pick peas for dinner, to feed the chickens, &c. —"The Mother's Book," Lydia Maria Child, 1831
Babies under six months old should never be played with; and the less of it at any time the better for the infant. —"The Care and Feeding of Children," L. Emmett Holt, 1894
Never hug and kiss them, never let them sit in your lap. If you must, kiss them once on the forehead when they say good night. Shake hands with them in the morning. Give them a pat on the head if they have made an extraordinary good job of a difficult task. —"Psychological Care of Infant and Child," John B. Watson, 1928
The more people have studied different methods of bringing up children the more they have come to the conclusion that what good mothers and fathers instinctively feel like doing for their babies is usually best after all. Furthermore, all parents do their best job when they have a natural, easy confidence in themselves. Better to make a few mistakes from being natural than to do everything letter-perfect out of a feeling of worry. —"The Common Sense Book of Baby and Child Care," Benjamin Spock, 1946

Indeed, although attachment parenting comes with an exquisite progressive pedigree, it is a perfect tool for the political right. It certainly serves to keep mothers and fathers out of the political process. If you are busy raising children without societal help and trying to earn a living during a recession, you don't have much time to question and change the world that you and your children inhabit. What exhausted, overworked parent has time to protest under such conditions?

The first wave of feminists, in the 19th century, dreamed of communal kitchens and nurseries. A hundred years later, the closest we have come to those amenities are fast-food franchises that make our children obese and impoverished immigrant nannies who help to raise our kids while their own kids are left at home with grandparents. Our foremothers might be appalled by how little we have transformed the world of motherhood.

None of these parenting patterns is encoded in our DNA. Mothering and fathering are different all over the world. Our cultural myth is that nurturance matters deeply. And it has led to "helicopter parenting," the smothering surveillance of a child's every experience and problem, often extending as far as college. It has also led to pervasive anxiety (among parents and children alike) and the deep disappointment that some parents suffer when their kids become less malleable during their teenage years.

Giving up your life for your child creates expectations that are likely to be thwarted as the child, inevitably, attempts to detach. Nor does such hyper-attentive parenting help children to become independent adults. Kids who never have to solve problems for themselves come to believe that they can't solve problems themselves. Sometimes they fall apart in college.

Much of the demand for perfect children falls on mothers, and now we are hearing a new drumbeat: the idea that prenatal life determines post-natal life. In her much-discussed new book, "Origins: How the Nine Months Before Birth Shape the Rest of Our Lives," Annie Murphy Paul describes the ever-expanding efforts of researchers to determine how maternal diet, weight, stress, exercise and other factors can influence fetal development. Ms. Paul is sensibly resistant to alarmism on these issues, but you cannot read her book without asking: And who is in charge of prenatal life? The mother! Does one glass of wine doom your child to fetal alcohol syndrome? No, but you could be forgiven for thinking so, judging by the hysterical reaction that often greets an expectant mother who dares to sip Chardonnay.

What is so troubling about these theories of parenting—both pre- and postnatal—is that they seem like attempts to exert control in a world that is increasingly out of control. We can't get rid of the carcinogens in the environment, but we can make sure that our kids arrive at school each day with a reusable lunch bag full of produce from the farmers' market. We can't do anything about loose nukes falling into the hands of terrorists, but we can make sure that our progeny's every waking hour is tightly scheduled with edifying activities.

—Erica Jong is a novelist, poet and essayist whose 20 books have been published around the world. "Fear of Flying" is her best-known novel, with 20 million copies in print.

Sensitive Much?

2010-11-16T16:53:00.000-08:00

Lately I've been getting really pissed off when people cut me off in a conversation. It never used to bother me this much. Maybe I didn't think what I had to say was worth hearing.

I've been getting especially angry when men cut me off. Being in the UAE made me hyper aware of it too. I wondered who gets to speak here? Do women have a voice in politics? Whose opinion is valued? I wasn't sure if what I saw this past week was due to sexism, culture, religion or if it was just in my head.

On our first night in Abu Dhabi we stopped at a fast food place. There was a Black Arab guy waiting in line. He started talking to me and another guy in our catering company. We were the only two black people on the trip. The Arab guy says, "We are family. Hello sister. Hello father." He laughed this big hearty laugh and was genuinely happy to interact with us it seemed. I was too. At a certain point, he stopped looking at me all together. It happened rather quickly. From that point on he only addressed my friend, who was a guy. He shook my hand goodbye but the conversation didn't include me. My friend thought perhaps we looked like a couple and so, to be respectful, maybe the local only talked to him.

My Pakistani cab driver, Babul, was awesome. We had a great, if not obvious, conversation about politics. "George Bush is the biggest terrorist," "I know more about your Politics than you do." "We don't think Al-Qaeda are Muslims. If you kill someone you are not a Muslim." That last thought struck me. Anyway, I enjoyed the conversation.

I remember him asking me a question about what Americans thought about a particular issue. I don't think he actually wanted an answer. He wanted to tell me what he thought the answer was. So when I go to answer, he jumps in soon after and starts to tell me what HE thought. I stopped him, speaking a little bit louder than he, "Listen!" He cut me off, which made me feel like he didn't care about what I was saying and just wanted to hear himself speak. If you ask me a question, give me the space to answer. If you don't, I'll take it. I just need to learn to do it without being angry about it.

I had to sit next to an obnoxious South African guy on our trip who was being disrespectful to some of the workers at our villa and a driver. I told him that what he was doing was offensive and kind of racist and that he should stop. (Note: I NEVER do this kind of thing). I'm one of those people who will wait until a situation is awful or beyond repair before I stand up. It's like I have to gather my courage before I speak the thing i know to be true. After he heard what I was saying, he stopped being a douche bag.

Somehow we started talking about politics in South Africa. I get myself into a lot of Political conversations it seems. (I won't even get into how he thought there were good things about Apartheid.) At a certain point he asked me a question about racism, the civil rights movement or something like that and didn't get halfway through my answer before he jumped in and cut me off. "Listen!" I said, forcefully. "Oh," he said as if he hadn't realized. Maybe he didn't.

I'm WAY too sensitive about this. I have to learn how to take the space I need without making it personal. I'm the one who doesn't value what I have to say. Nobody is doing anything to me. If I value what I have to say and I know my thoughts are valuable then I'll be fine.

I'm not a direct person. I'm only direct on stage. In life, I take the most circuitous route to solve problems. It doesn't always serve me. It makes it easier for me in the short term, but doesn't usually fix my problem. Being direct is so difficult. I feel like I'm in fight or flight mode when I'm trying to be honest and direct. My heart starts racing. I get overly animated and sometimes tense and still.

But being direct needn't be associated with anything negative. Right? There's nothing wrong with saying exactly what you mean. You can be respectful and still say exactly what you mean. Maybe the scary part is in the unknown. How can you know how they'll react? Am I bracing for a fight when I dare to ask for what I want? Why are people so weird? I don't know when all these walls and defenses popped up or why. Why does confrontation give me such anxiety? I envy people who don't give a damn and just say what they want and what they feel without judgement. In some ways I'm still that 9 year old girl who wants to be liked and have enough friends to vote me class secretary. Nobody told that 9 year old girl that she could be that AND direct.

Dubai is for Lovers

2010-11-12T14:48:00.000-08:00

So I'm not in Dubai. I'm an hour away. I'm in Abu Dahbi. The Formula 1 Race Event is happening this weekend. That's why i'm here. This place is CRAZY. It's interesting to say the least. I'm working on the opening of a new restaurant. Prince is here, Kanye, the actual Prince of Abu Dhabi, and other billionaires are hanging out. There are ridiculously large yachts everywhere and all the workers are foreign. I haven't actually met anyone from Abu Dahbi or Dubai who isn't a transplanted foreign worker. The workers are American, British, Indonesian, Pakistani, Egyptian, Norwegian, Bangladeshi, Philipino, Kenyan, Ethiopian...it's the freaking United Colors of Benneton out here.

We haven't had a day off yet. I'm hoping that we're able to get out of here and explore. Right now a bus takes us from our apartments right to the venue. They've conveniently put us in an area that has NOTHING around it. It makes it really hard to go out to a restaurant and party or even just get food other than the really bad stuff they've been serving us. I'm all for local food but they are feeding us "American" food with an Arab twist. It comes in plastic bags and it's awful. We never thought the airplane food would be better than this. We have no choice though.

It has all been so weird. I can't wait to tell people about this place. Anyway, I hope I get to Dubai before we leave. Two more days of work and then we have Monday off, unless they're jerks and work us on that last day. I might mutiny and go chill in Dubai anyway.

Sesame Street: I Love My Hair

2010-10-17T10:54:00.000-07:00

What keeps you up at night?

2010-10-12T02:58:00.000-07:00

Stephen Adly Guirgis said, "I want to know what keeps a writer up at night." He gave us a few exercises that brought some strange things into focus for me. I was excited by the notion butI've left Stephen's idea alone for the last two weeks. I haven't continued to explore it.

I just woke up thinking about something that has kept me up at night since i was 17 years old. It haunts me. Is that what I should write about? I also think about what another writer told me. I have to have a certain amount of detachment from my subject, even if the subject is me. I don't know how to do that. I'm not sure how to do this!

Maybe writing about me will get in the way of what I'm actually trying to say. If I write about other people, using this burning question, maybe it'll be more effective.

I should just begin. I'll begin and these questions could answer themselves.

Secrets for Strangers: TONIGHT!

2010-10-02T09:49:00.000-07:00

This past Monday, 15 People were given 6 days to write, direct and produce a show that was representative of the whole group. This is what we came up with:

SECRETS FOR STRANGERS
By LAByrinth Theater Fall 2010 Masterclass Students
"Everybody's got a Secret" Would you share yours on stage?

Time:
8pm

Date:
Tonight, Saturday, October 2nd, 2010

Location:
Center Stage, NY http://www.centerstageny.com/
48 West 21st Street 4th Floor (bet. 5th and 6th Ave.)
Buzzer 401# New York, NY 10010

(212) 929-2228

LAByrinth Theater: A kick in the balls

2010-09-29T23:01:00.000-07:00

Yo! We're only in our second week of the LAByrinth Masterclass. Get this, John Rubin Gould talked to us for an hour about producing and then right before he gets up to leave, almost as a side note, 'Your assignment for next week is to produce a show that is representative of the whole group that's at least 15 minutes long and you can't do it in the classroom. see ya later.' He didn't say exactly that but that's the gist of it. You should've seen everyone's faces. I know my face must've looked crazy.

We had so many questions to ask him but he had to leave. Class was over. Totally nuts. That was Monday. It's Thursday now and we're well on our way to performing a 30min devised piece at Center Stage New York. It's kind of amazing how it's coming together.

I'm helping to produce it, which is maddening and tedious but I'm proud of myself for taking it on. I've never done this before. I think I've over-reacted to emails, gotten my wires crossed and not delegated properly, but in general I think I'm doin aiight.

The group is doing great even though we've had some issues. It's a learning experience, so there's no "wrong" right now. We're just doing. We're trying to figure out how to create a company and how to create a show in 6 days. There's bound to be some drama.

I totally over-reacted to an email today. It didn't need to be addressed via email but I did it anyway. A friend of mine said, all of that kind of stuff can be addressed at the follow-up meeting with the teacher on Monday. I'm going to listen to that advice from here on out. Reprimanding someone, telling someone why they're wrong or getting emotional via email is a BAD idea. A phone call or a face to face conversation is the best idea. I know this, we all know this, yet we email things we shouldn't all the time.

It took me a while to realize that I might be angry, but it's not because people don't have the shows best interest at heart. I'm mad because I decided to be mad. I took offense. If I keep in mind that people are emotional about this work (as I am) and know that it comes from a place of wanting the show to be good (even if they hurt my feeling or do things in a way that i disagree with) it's still all good.

I'm so glad we're doing this. I actually think I'll be able to do this on my own when it's done.

Me Talk The Thinking In My Head

2010-09-26T19:14:00.000-07:00

Why is communicating so damn hard?

This made me sit up

2010-09-13T17:26:00.000-07:00

Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back, always ineffectiveness. Concerning all acts of initiative (and creation), there is one elementary truth the ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans.

The moment one definitely commits oneself, then providence moves too. All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one's favor all manner of unforeseen incidents and meetings and material assistance, which no man could have dreamed would have come his way.

Whatever you can do, or dream you can, begin it.
Boldness has genius, power and magic in it. Begin it now.

--Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe

Face to Face with Guts

2010-09-03T12:39:00.001-07:00

Me: Hello, Guts? It's Erika.

Guts: I know who you are.

Me: Oh, sorry.

Guts: Stop apologizing. I hate it when you do that.

Me: Sorr--I mean, right. Anyway, umm...I'm gonna need you for the next few months.

Guts: No you're not.

Me: You don't understand. I REALLY need you...right now even. See, I just moved to New York and this transition is much harder than I anticipated and I'm feeling a little afraid. I could use some guts today.

Guts: "Use." That's all anybody does is use me! What you don't recognize is that I'm around all the time. You just need to stop destroying my work.

Me: That's a lie.

Guts: Who you talkin to little girl? (Guts blubbers and flaps around)

Me: Whoa, calm down.

Guts: I'm here with you right now motherfucker! I been workin' over time fo yo ass and you don't recognize it. I should just bust. Then you'd know.

Me: Please don't bust and don't give me Bubble Guts...PLEASE!

Guts: Did you know that Bubble Guts is a derogatory term?

Me: Oh, no I didn't. Forgive me.

Guts: Lord, girl, you apologize for every damn thing. Listen, all you got to do is say what you want. Say it, know it, believe it and stop letting what other people are doing get in your guts. It's been crowded in here for a while now. I'm all restrained by your brain. I'm trying to be strong but you keep seeing that womans face or that persons career or this or that life that you don't have and it's getting in the way. They are stinky thoughts and it's crowding the place. Those thoughts don't shower. It's very offensive.

Me: Dude, you're mixing ideas here. I thought we were talking about guts and now you're talking about my thoughts.

Guts: It's all connected. Ask that Asian body work specialist you decided not to go and see. You bought that ice cream instead. Lactose intolerant asshole.

Me: How do I stop doubting myself? It doesn't happen all the time. There are moments when I think I can conquer the world and there are moments when I think this world isn't worth conquering.

Guts: Whoa. That's deep. That's some other shit. I don't know about that last part. You might need to talk to a therapist bout dat one, but I do know that you need to decide what you believe about yourself. What are you capable of? Who are you? What do you love? What are you made of? What do you want? Do you deserve what you want? You need to be sure of who you are so that nobody can destroy your foundation, not even yourself. You'll try to destroy yourself. That's what humans do. You've got to work extra hard to feed yourself healthy thoughts because you can be sure you're brain is working double time to tear you down.

Me: Fuck! I'd rather mope.

Guts: Mope then. Enjoy your life.

Me: No, I'm not serious about that. I was just having a pity party for a second.

Guts: A second?

Me: Okay, it's been longer than a second. I did find a few jobs and do a mailing or two.

Guts: You've got to do way more than that if you're going to fight that part of you that wants to self-destruct. You'll do just enough not to make anything happen, because you're scared, and then you'll be upset that nothing has happened. You know that don't you?

Me: Yes.

Guts: Your life is asking something more of you. It's not about guts. When you know who you are and what you want and that no matter what, you're loved, you can walk forward. (Guts lifts up on the left side. Fart sound)

Me: Oooff. Oh man--wow. That's ugh. Wow man.

Guts: Alright--we get it. I stink. Enough with that.

Me: But it smells like...oh god, I've never smelled something so--what is that?

Guts: It's whatever you ate fool.

Me: Oh, right.

Guts: So what are you gonna do?

Me: Start telling myself something true for a change and then spray some air freshener.

Guts: You just had to add that part. It wasn't that funny you know. You think you're being clever, but it's really just odd. Your talking to me in the first place is really strange. People might think you've lost it. Will that make you feel dumb?

Me: No. Well, it might, but it shouldn't. Here's something true. I've been freaked out by this move to New York. I was going to start writing about something else, but it turned in to this and it has actually helped. It might seem a little nuts, but I won't apologize for it. No apologies. I gotta go.

Guts: Alright. Remember, I don't do special requests, but I'm always here.

(Guts begins to ascend to the heavens. A cloud of greenish-yellow vapor trails in its wake. The smell of mucus and bile fills the air. Guts faintly mumbles a Whitney Houston tune appropriate for the moment. It's fleshy sounding. Erika smiles, starts to sing along,"And I... will always love y-- She gags.)

Feeling the Pressure

2010-09-02T07:17:00.000-07:00

I'm in New York. I actually live here now. It's been a long time coming. Patrick and I have been talking about it for a few years now. We actually did it.

I knew it would be a difficult transition for me, but I didn't expect to hide in my apartment for five days. We live in this cute apartment in Astoria. It's a great price, cute neighborhood and close to Manhattan. It's perfect for us. We have a park and great grocery stories, fruit, restaurants and whatever else you could want. So why was I hiding in my apartment for days? I was completely overwhelmed.

Black Irish Rose

2010-08-18T09:35:00.000-07:00

I'm in Ireland. Patrick is searching and reconnecting with his Irish roots. He's never been here before. It's really cool to be with someone on a journey like this.

We saw a fantastic play in Dublin at The Abbey Theater, called The Plough and The Stars by Sean O'Casey. It's an old play, a classic. The play was about 30 minutes too long, with moments that were "over-wrought," as Patrick said, but the actors were such a joy to watch. The play is emotional and hilarious (at times). The characters are SO great. Fluther is my favorite. During intermission, Patrick and I were casting the show with DC actors. We've been doing that a lot. There are actors here who remind us of people back home. It's fun to think of an American equivalent. (There are no equivalents for people, but you know what I mean.)

We've watched a lot of exciting actors in London and here in Ireland.

To know that, across the waters, we're all doing the same dedicated, heartfelt and important work makes me feel part of a larger community. Ireland's unemployment rate is higher than ours and they've had crazy Arts cuts.

A page in their program beautifully and poignantly read:

**** This theatre is for you. It is your challenge and your sanctuary. It is also your right. Without it, and all the ways it makes you feel, Ireland will become a poorer place. Its cost to the state is modest, but its worth is great. It's also fragile, and cannot endure further cuts. As Budget 2011 approaches, let your elected representatives know just how valuable it is to you.
****
We're hoping to see another play tonight. It's sold out but we're going anyway. Maybe we'll get lucky. We're in Cork right now. It's in the south. Cute city. The best Seafood in the world is supposed to be down this way. We've been saving our money up for a "lick your plate" kind of meal.

Glad to be here. Home in a few days. I haven't been blogging about anything. I've just been experiencing. I'll blog about things that have been on my mind in little snippets in the days to come.

(Rare) Sunny Day

2010-08-10T09:53:00.000-07:00

South Bank, London

Lamda Group

2010-08-10T09:35:00.000-07:00

We're missing three people in this photo, but they're here in spirit. My group has been wonderful. I'm so glad we got lumped together.

A School for Scandal

2010-07-29T05:51:00.000-07:00

LAMDA is great so far. I've been enjoying my classes. I've been exhausted and frustrated and I've been learning a lot. The best thing I've learned so far is that 'going on the pull' means trying to get laid. That will be useful in years to come. Seriously though, it's been really good for me, this program.

It took me a few days to buy in to it all. I had to let a lot of things go. I am the second oldest person here out of 54 students. So that means, there are a lot of friggin young people. There is a 37 year old, then me 31, then a 29, 28 and a 26 year old. Everyone else is between 18-22. Nobody knew I was 31. REALLY? 31? OH MY GOD! As if 31 is old as shit or as if I'm supposed to LOOK old as shit at 31. Either way their reactions were amusing.

It felt weird on that first day when teachers kept referring to our parents who paid for our tuition or who were happy we were out of the house. I was very aware of being treated like a child, a beginner. It made my ego do a little shuffling around. It made me want to assert myself as a mid carreer lightly seasoned actor. But then came time to get up on our feet and play around with Shakespeare. Then I became an actor who was at the beginning, like everyone else.

My ego deflated a bit as I remembered why I wanted to be there in the first place. I started to enjoy being the oldest and the most experienced actor, but also the person who knew just as much/as little as the 19 year olds did about Shakespeare. I had/have nothing to prove. I don't have to jockey for a position. I'm just here to work on my habits, learn healthy ways of using my voice on stage and start to work on my need to perform everything.

We're doing Midsummer for our final presentation. I'm playing Demetrius and one of the Mechanicals. It's a small chunck but just enough for me to work on these basic principles with. Our director, Tom Hunsinger, is kinda mean. Five years ago he would've scared the CRAP out of me. Now, I can take it. What's funny is, he isn't mean so much as honest. Nobody really wants to hear the truth, again and again and again. I'd much rather like to perform my bad habits and have people clap at the end.

It was hard to hear him say, 'Erika, just SAY it.' You're doing too much.' 'Speak to her.' LET GO OF THE TENSION' 'Look at your neck. You're leaning forward. Look at all that tension. Let go of the tension' over and over and over. It is frustrating when you think you've let go and instead you've just moved the tension to some other part of your body OR you let go SO much that you're no longer a person but a zombie TRYING to be relaxed. Such a mind fu*k. Anyway, he's gotten right to my achilles heel. Within 30 minutes he knew what my problems were. I quite like him. He can be mean, it's true, but he's not wrong very often.

I wasn't sure about him at first, but now I'm thankful that he's our director. This summer doesn't look like it'll get too deep since it's only 4 weeks long. A lot of our classes have been introductory. It's hard for a teacher to distill their year long lessons into eight to ten classes. So how lucky am I to be working with someone who got deep on day one. Or maybe I'm lucky to be in a place where I'm READY to be deep on day one. I picked the right time to do this.

I'm not sure why I titled this A School for Scandal. I was trying to be clever, but now it's just dumb. I'm gonna leave it though. Maybe it makes sense to someone. Perhaps I should change the title to PITBULL or ECTOPLASM. Why not?

One-on-One Theater in London

2010-07-16T17:51:00.000-07:00

I just got back from a very personal theater experience. I saw five shows tonight or five moments if you will. Some were longer than others, some, more interactive. I was an observer and a participant in the art.

This venue called BAC -Battersea Arts Center- probably has 40 rooms of different shapes and sizes all scattered between three flors. In each of these rooms were one on one theatrical/live art experiences. You walk down a hallway or down steps or knock on a door and your experience begins. You walk into a room not knowing what is going to happen.

I danced with a woman in a dark basement room with a disco ball and a rum dispenser. I sang a song with a woman in a tiny indoor alcove lined with trees, candles and a wooden table. I watched a movie that featured me somehow. I went back to 1895 and got an electric shock from a Dr. I was led into a room with my eyes closed and when I opened them I was infront of a mirror with a woman who started to play a guitar. Each of the artists had a goal in mind. They were all exploring something different with these theatrical moments. It was scary and so cool.

It is such a mind fuck to be by yourself. The group seems so essential in theater. It's supposed to be for the masses, like, a mass of people. The masses are comfortable when they laugh together. When it's only one person the dynamics are different. There's no one else to pick up social cues from. How do you behave? Are you polite? Do you join in? Do you give the performer your full attention? Are you able to look around the room and check out your surroundings? Yes. Sure. Why not? There are no rules. How interesting. I loved it. I want to go back tomorrow but I can't. I'm going to a cricket match. :-)

I have a feeling this one-on-one event will be making its way to the states. I'd actually love to do something like this at the DC/NY Fringe next year. Who's in?

One-on-One Review

I'm a Master Traveler

2010-07-15T07:18:00.001-07:00

I peed in a ziplock bag while on the shoulder of I-95 South. Yup. Peed.

If you have a flight to London at stake and no money to buy another plane ticket if you miss it, you'll do whatever you have to. I drove my rental car from Queens, NY to BWI in the middle of rush hour. I didn't think about how long it would actually take me on the BQE nor did I factor in stopping for gas and the heavy rain that went on and off.

I was freaking out for about three hours. If I missed the flight I'd be stuck. If I pulled off at a rest stop to pee I'd lose 15 minutes. I couldn't chance it. So I emptied the baggie that held my pretzels onto the floor near the passenger seat, pulled over on I-95 and (with seatbelt on) peed in my zip lock. After I peed, I realized I couldn't drive two more hours with a ziplock bag of pee in the car so I poured it out the window. I could've gotten arrested I'm sure. But you do what you have to do. I got to the airport while they were boarding. I was right. I was nasty, but I was right.

Anyway, I'm here in London. It's cold. I didn't bring a sweater. The trains were confusing but I think I've figured it out. People are pretty friendly. I ate at a place that was 100 years old, talked to a woman who was 81 years old about God. Made it to my flat in one piece. Excited to see the city tonight and the next few days before my program starts. I'm so glad I'm here. It's a blessing.

Queens or Bust

2010-06-16T07:50:00.000-07:00

We found a really great rent controlled apartment in Queens. We're four stops from midtown Manhattan. It's perfect. Maybe it'll be harder to visit our friends in Brooklyn but, it'll be easier to do what I'm moving to New York to do.

I'm feeling better about my future in New York. Last week I went up to audition for Pearl Theater Co., Syracuse Stage and the Guthrie. They all went well. One went really well, the other two were good. It gave me a much needed boost of confidence. It was a nice introduction to auditioning in New York.

I don't have any work lined up here in D.C. so it feels great to be able to go to New York and get my hands busy. I'm getting myself together slowly but surely. I was the ONLY person at the auditions with a black and white headshot. The ONLY PERSON! I wasn't embarassed though. For some reason I was totally cool with being the only one out of 200. I'm not going to beat myself up for being "behind" in any respect. I can't snap my fingers and have the hottest color shots, great comp cards, a killer musical audition book and a fantastic wardrobe. I'll do what I can, as I can, and continue to move forward. So I had black and white headshots. So what?! My audition was great and I know it.

I'm looking forward to getting up there, settling in and getting busy. I hadn't been excited at all really but this past week I've started to feel ready for this crazy move. Patrick and I love our new place, our neighborhood and I've proven to myself that I'm ready to start auditioning. That's what I needed.

p.s. This past Monday I got my shots printed in color. See. Moving forward.

Faith

2010-05-30T09:35:00.000-07:00

I made a difficult decision today. I wish I could say yes. I want to say yes, but I know I needed to say no. It's a perfect combo but it's at the wrong time. Here's to stepping out on faith.

New Things Coming

2010-05-29T19:21:00.000-07:00

I've been silent for almost a month. I posted like a mad woman for three months and then...silence. What am I doing?

I'm staring at apartments on craigslist, wondering what kind of job I'm going to find in New York, trying to decide if I should take a show here in D.C. instead of being in New York for the first few months, wondering whether I'd take the show just for security and fear of the unknown, worrying about how I'm going to eat when I go to London, freaking out about not having any work in DC while others do, wondering what I'm doing with my life, trying to decide whether any job is a good job, thinking about what my goals are and generally being a freak. That's what I've been doing.

My new goal for tomorrow and this day forward is not to answer "I'm totally scared..." when someone asks, "How are you feeling about New York?" Even if it's true, it's not really what people want to hear. I also wonder if repeating the words, "I'm scared" is actually what's making me scared, or at least what's making me more scared. I'll try saying, "I'm totally psyched!" and see how that feels.

We move in to our place in New York a day after I finish a short workshop production at Signature and three days before I leave for London. In between rehearsals I'll be packing and we'll have to coordinate this puppy just right so that we're all good when it's time to move. I'll have three days to help Patrick move us in, which is plenty of time actually, but we need to find a place first.

Lots of change is happening. I'm trying to make decisions about my career that move me forward in the direction I want to go. My goal the last five or six years has been "to work." And I've worked pretty regularly for the last several years. But now, my goal is more than just working. It has to do with the stories I want to tell, the characters I want to play, the director and actors I get to play with and the career I want to have. And even when most of those items are satisfied, it really depends on where I am and where my gut is telling me to go.

I need to embrace this kind of control. I can't control much, but I can tell you what I want for myself. I might not get it, but I can surely say what I want and walk in that direction.

I am FULL OF IT

2010-05-20T20:42:00.000-07:00

That title above is in reference to my last post. If you could've been in my head the last few weeks you'd laugh at that "Enjoy Where You Are" bullshit. I'll talk about this in a post that's coming soon.

Enjoy Where You Are

2010-04-21T18:17:00.001-07:00

It's so easy to forget that the place you find yourself in right now is just as meaningful and worthwhile as the place you are hoping to go. (Unless you're sitting in your own poop at this moment)

I don't want to live in a constant state of "what else?" or "what next?" We should challenge ourselves and believe that we can achieve our goals, but how often do we recognize where we actually are and find peace with that?

Am I happy with what I have? Honestly, I find it hard to be happy with what I have and what I've already accomplished. There are so many things to want in this life: Money, a commercial gig, love, kids, a house, a great wardrobe, the best theater job EVER, a car, an award, respect, an ipad, status, a backyard, no debt, a timeshare in Brussels or a lifetime membership to Netflix or The Pleasure Chest.

Why am I in this business? Do I want status? Do I want to be respected or do I want status? Are they the same thing? I'm thinking they're not. The latter can exist without the former. Do I want to be appreciated for my work? Do I hope to be good at something in this life? Do I want recognition? Do I want a yellowed, dusty newspaper to bear my name so that my great grandchildren are totally impressed with their artsy dead ancestor? What do we do this for, this reaching, this clawing?

I want to matter. But matter to who? To myself? To my community? Or am I asking other people to tell me I matter?

I want to do good work. I want to keep growing as an artist. I want to stay fulfilled by my art through reinvention, digging deeper and trying something new. I want to make sure my life isn't all about acting. I still want to find something cooler than theater. I haven't truly found it yet, but I'd say traveling, meeting people and trying to have conversations through a language barrier is pretty close.

Besides what I want to accomplish in this theater world, I want to enjoy this short life. How about I enjoy where I am for a while. I've accomplished a lot over the last seven years here in D.C. I should celebrate that.

I think the last few months have been a kind of check for me. I didn't get in to grad school. I haven't been auditioning well and I might not have any shows for next season (that hasn't happened since 2002). But, not getting in to grad school doesn't mean I suck. Not having any shows for next season doesn't mean I suck. It doesn't mean anything except, I need to find a job, dude, for real.

I'm on a quest in the next few moments, days, weeks to enjoy where I am right now and what I've accomplished. I wanted to be an actor and support myself through my art and I'm actually doing that. That's a blessing in itself. Sure I want more. I want a lot, but have I taken note of what I actually have lately? I need to appreciate what this life has offered me already before I beat myself up for not having "more."

1-800-GENOCIDE

2010-04-20T17:18:00.000-07:00

It's telling that we have a stronger Gun/Firearm lobby in the United States than we do a Human Rights lobby. There's just no comparison at this point.

Just this past week we saw gun rights advocates stand up and be counted at rallies in D.C. The NRA is powerful. They are powerful enough to stop almost any legislation that would remove/alter their gun rights. Gun advocates balked when background checks and other safety measures were added after the Virginia Tech shooting. A group that advocates weapons (that can be used to harm and kill) has more power than a group that advocates saving lives.

Many had issues with Bush II (putting it lightly) but he did a considerable amount for Darfur. He got directly involved with North-South peace talks. The U.S. led the way in declaring the terror in Darfur as genocide. Of course, the U.S. didn't stop the genocide, I'm not saying Bush was a savior, but he was involved. But he wasn't involved just because he felt for Darfur. He was involved because he had constituents who cared. I learned (at our talkbacks after our play IN DARFUR at Theater J) that there were Christian churches in South Sudan. Republican support for the missionaries and Christians in Sudan was strong. If South Sudan fell apart, these churches, schools and people would be at risk. Bush's consituents care about something make it known to him and he acts.

So what about Obama? What do his consituents need to do to make him act? Well, the situation is complicated, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't jump in the fight. One way to become involved and add your voice to a growing network of Human Rights advocates is to call 1-800-GENOCIDE. When you call, you are given three options. After you put in your zip code you are given direct access to your elected representative and an up to date report card about how your representative is handling any current Human Rights issue. You can be connected (toll free) to their office or to the white house to leave a message. Over 30,000 people have called already.

This is one really easy thing you can do. I called and it took 3 minutes. I opted to be connected to Fenty's office. I didn't get connected to the White House. That's my next call. Add your voice. Genocide and human rights atrocities are happening all over the world, not just Sudan. Burma, The Congo, Pakistan and Somalia and other countries need intervention as well. By calling 1-800-GENOCIDE you can add your voice and do something. Just do something, whatever it is you can do.

1-800-GENOCIDE is part of the Genocide Intervention Network. Visit their website:
http://www.genocideintervention.net/

Closing IN DARFUR

2010-04-18T08:57:00.000-07:00

I'm not ready to let this one go. Last night we had a Darfuri man come. The audience applauded his comments at the talkback. I think everyone was honored to have him in the room. He had wonderful things to say about our work. He felt like he was there. The characters, soldiers, Janjaweed, Hawa (all of us) were people he recognized. It was affirming to hear that.

I've got info on what I learned from the talkbacks over the last three weeks. I'll share that in another post. I'll also talk about how I'm getting involved in the Darfur, Genocide, Human Rights efforts. Maybe you can too.

NYU Rejection Email

2010-04-14T05:16:00.000-07:00

I was on hold for about two weeks but I finally got the email. They went green. Good job NYU. I wonder if everyone got an email. (I'm not going to post their email. Don't worry.)

I was on hold, which wasn't exactly an alternate or anything but still pretty good. It was a weird nebulous limbo that would only become a great position if they couldn't find what they were looking for at callbacks. "On Hold" is better than being a "no" right away, but I couldn't exactly celebrate when I heard. A part of me wished I didn't know about the "hold" until they made their final decision. People got excited for me, but I reserved the excitement for a "yes." Until then, it was just cool that they hadn't passed right over me.

So my grad school adventures are over for this year. I'm already thinking about what I want for myself next year. I will most likely be living in New York and traveling to D.C. to work every now and then. I say "most likely," because I can plan my life all I want but life has a way of doing what it wants. It laughs at my plans sometimes and gives me something else. As far as I'm concerned, I'll be in New York, but I could end up in Alaska. You never know.

Confessions

2010-04-13T19:52:00.000-07:00

So I read one line from Peter Mark's review. It talked about my "hauntingly expressive eyes" or something like that. Of course, when I was on stage this past weekend, I couldn't stop thinking about it. I'm not sure how it affected my performance, but if you're thinking about that when you're standing on stage in a performance, that's NEVER a good thing. "Oooo, are my eyes haunting right now?"

I'm nervous about this weeks performances for some reason. All my friends are coming to see it. People want to see my work. Normally that should be a great thing, but it makes me feel uncomfortable. It makes me feel weird because this show has never been about me. From the beginning it has been about the group, all the actors, a company of dedicated artists telling this story. It was about our director, Derek, the researchers, the artistic team and all of our concerted efforts to get the word out about Darfur in an honest way. I was talking to one of the actors in the show about how it was so strange that "ego" hadn't made me wonder if I was "good," or if I'd get a great review in the way it usually does. It has been more about the story. That was so refreshing.

People are responding to my character in a positive way. Audiences have been moved. But my "ego" is confused now. That part of me that wants to be great has been awakened. It's nice, the praise, but still, this story is not about me. And I had to remind myself of that yesterday and today. Nobody wants to come to see an actor showcase. I don't think I'm in danger of doing that, but this weekend refocused me. This story is so much bigger than I am. I want to people to feel for Hawa not come to see an actor work.

I guess all of these feelings and thoughts are natural, but I felt guilty for a while. It feels strange accepting praise for this character's journey. If I get praise, it seems like the point was missed. That's not true really, but that's how it feels. I think I feel guilty for accepting praise for portraying a woman who represents a horrible situation in which people still live. I can't articulate it any better than that right now.

Tomorrow starts our last week of shows.

Blurring Your Eyes

2010-04-11T07:32:00.000-07:00

Carl James from In Darfur asked me yesterday about why I posted reviews on my blog if I said I didn't read them. LOL. Good point.

Well, I am very good at blurring my eyes...really, I am. I went to all these reviews, scanned them for a "good" paragraph, then cut and pasted it. I'm amazing at blurring my eyes. It's quite impressive.

I'll give all these reviews a true read next week when we close. I figured it was stupid not to share these reviews with people even though I don't read them. I want people to see our show, I think it's important. I didn't want to let my weirdness keep me from sharing the good vibes that are out there surrounding the piece.

My husband...

2010-04-10T06:58:00.001-07:00

A big thank you to my husband who has been reading reviews for me, helping me do a mailing to agents and casting directors and who is being generally (and specifically) wonderful.
I love you.

P.S. My cast member Carl James is in the background on the left drinking it up. I love him too. He's going to Harvard for Grad School! Kudos my man!

The Washington Post--In Darfur Review

2010-04-10T06:53:00.000-07:00

By Peter Marks

"Rose's Hawa comes across as a character who is more than the sum of her professional duties, and this actress of open heart does manage to touch ours."

To read more, click HERE

Washington City Paper--In Darfur Review

2010-04-10T06:52:00.000-07:00

By Chris Klimek

"But as with her character, Erika Rose’s haunted-but-hopeful performance as Hawa is what makes Derek Goldman’s elegant, compelling production register as a story rather than a debate. Whether Rose is recalling reading Edith Wharton at university or mulling whether her unborn baby was sired by her husband or one of his murderers, she lets you straight into her heart. When Hawa allows Maryka to snap her photo, the house holds its breath as though the lens were a gun barrel. Minutes after the lights have gone down, she endures a beating at the hands of a policeman for the crime of adultery—a Kafkaesque fate, and a common one for rape victims in the region. Goldman makes you watch it for a lot longer than you’ll want to. Which seems, under the circumstances, appropriate."

To read more, click HERE

DC Theater Scene--In Darfur Review

2010-04-10T06:50:00.000-07:00

By Debbie Minter Jackson

"Brace yourself, yet dare to look at this theatrical account to experience the moments close up from the personal perspectives of its characters, brought to us here with unflinching performances, honoring a carefully crafted new script by Winter Miller and ferociously directed by Georgetown’s own, Derek Goldman."

To Read More click HERE

The D.C. Examiner--In Darfur Review

2010-04-10T06:48:00.001-07:00

By Barbara Mackay

"Director Derek Goldman maximizes the terror that ruled the aid camps in the spring of 2004, when "In Darfur" takes place. When his two ensemble members, Brandon White and Carl James, appear as soldiers throughout the play, they are truly threatening.

As Carlos, Beck is appropriately defensive, protective of his patients. Nassri is pushy and obstinate as Maryka, determined to let the world know the truth. Hannah J. Crowell's effective set consists of tall, moveable, gray-beige flats that suggest the hospital, Carlos' tent, Maryka's hotel, the desert. Costume designer Ivania Stack creates two brilliant remedies to the bleak camp surroundings: Hawa's maroon and crimson headscarf and orange skirt; and Hamida's (Jessica Frances Dukes') turquoise and aquamarine headscarf and skirt.

There are many elements to admire in this production, especially Dukes' soulful singing. But it is Rose's performance as Hawa that makes "In Darfur" extraordinary. The daughter of a sheik, Hawa is well-educated, a teacher. Rose brings out all of Hawa's pride, strength, courage and fragility.

Sadly, Miller's play is based on the reality she found in Sudan when she visited with New York Times journalist Nicholas Kristof. Miller interviewed adults and children who were willing to talk in order to get the story out, then wrote the play in 2006."

To Read More click HERE

We Love DC-- In Darfur Review

2010-04-10T06:44:00.000-07:00

By Jenn Larson

“Plays like this make me so grateful I was born at the time and place I was,” my friend

says as we exit Theater J Saturday night. We’d just seen In Darfur by Winter Miller, and as a Western woman who’d spent the day shopping for frivolities, I felt the cold twist of shame in my stomach. But this isn’t a preachy production. Its simplicity provides the horror, and it’s truthful. These things happen. We ignore them. Then we see a simulation of a woman’s legs being cracked apart like a wishbone, and our silence feels culpable.

This is a hard sell, no denying it, but I urge you to go see In Darfur, playing now through April 18. The play is inspired by Miller’s own trip to refugee camps along the Chad-Sudan border, in the company of Pulitzer Prize winning journalist Nicholas Kristof of The New York Times. Strangely, its flaws have to do with that prism of experience, as the two Westerners who serve as our entre to this world – an American journalist and an Argentinian aid worker – are simply not as compelling as the Africans they encounter. But I still urge you to see it, for Erika Rose’s central performance as Darfuri refugee Hawa is absolutely riveting."

To Read More Click HERE

a moment with hat and flower

2010-04-07T15:11:00.000-07:00

This is what happens when I have five minutes to myself.

We've Opened

2010-04-06T15:19:00.000-07:00

Opening Night for IN DARFUR was on Saturday. Reviews are out today. Go to The Washington Post and DC Theatre Scene websites to read the two I found. I haven't actually read them, but I know that they're there.

Photo by: Stan Barouh
At left: Lucas Beck and Rahaleh Nassri

Reviews get in my head so I avoid them, unless my role is small and I'm pretty sure the reviewer is not going to mention me anyway. Good or bad, reviews can't help me do my work. I read them when the run is over, especially if I'm doing work that is difficult for me.

I did a show at Woolly back in 2004 and I read a review that said, "The only scene that drags is Erika Rose's scene as the Haitian maid." I was devastated. It was my first mention in the Washington Post and they said that I single handedly dragged down the play. It was my only scene in the show and it lasted for 10 minutes max. That night at the show, I sped up all my cues and even sped up reactions in this fight scene where I got chased with a drill. That was a pretty bad performance. I let it get to me. I started thinking that every audience got bored when I came on stage. I felt like I was the weak link in the cast. It's easy to feel that way when you're on stage with Nancy Robinette, Michael Russotto, Jennifer Mendenhall and Howard Shalwitz. Wait a minute, I WAS the weak link. lol. But I shouldn't let a review dictate how I perform, grow and experiment during a run. Anyway, after that, I avoided reviews like the plague.

Photo by: Stan Barouh

At IN DARFUR,I will stay for talkbacks to hear what audiences have to say though. Does that sound backwards? Maybe it's less scary to me because they aren't words on a page but people you can hear, talk to and ask questions of. If someone said something about my character that I thought was nuts, or mean in a talkback situation, I could address it. You can't address a review. Hearing feedback at talkbacks is all I need. But please do visit DC Theatre Scene and check out their website if you've never visited. You know where to find the Post.

We close April 18th. We just started and we're already about to close. Don't miss it!

Partying like it's 2999

2010-04-06T15:06:00.000-07:00

We went to the Helen Hayes Awards last night. Barrio Grrrl! was nominated. The whole artistic team came down from New York. It was pretty cool to see them all again. Though we didn't win, it was great to have them all here. I totally lost them at the after party, but at least I got to give them all hugs.

D.C. is a great theater town. It just is. Many winners (from out of town) spoke to that. I remember a few winners saying it was the best town they'd performed in and they'd been all over the country. Audiences are great and the community is so welcoming...etc. I felt a sense of pride that I didn't expect. There is nothing lesser about D.C. compared to New York as far as the quality of artists here. It's great when that is recognized.

Anyway, I had lots of fun at the after party. My hair was a mess, I need to take a make up class, my feet were hurting, I needed a pointier bra that will hold up that 50's style dress I had on and I probably should've had more water, but it was a good time. There are pics on facebook that make me smile. I wish we could dance like that all the time. Here's to D.C. Theater. Congratuluations to all the winners and nominees.

P.S. My suggestion for next year's awards, build in a group stretch during the ceremony. My ass was hurting something fierce.

In Darfur: Laughter and Prayers

2010-04-02T06:09:00.000-07:00

I'm thankful. As much as I've talked about this In Darfur experience being difficult, emotionally draining and scary, it has also been a joy to be in the room with the cast, crew and artistic team.

Though I've been crying for the last five weeks, I've also had a lot of fun rehearsing this play. Totally weird to say? Maybe. But it's true. We need it I guess...the laughter. Derek encourages it. He might actually be the main culprit. Beyond being caring, articulate, galvanizing and smart, he's a lot of fun. Seth, our stg mgr. does a "quote of the day." I think he started that tradition on another show, but it's been fun for us. The quotes are usually really random and you'd wonder how something like it came up during a play about genocide. But, there's a way, oh yes, there's a way.

A friend of mine suggested that I do an opening and closing ritual for myself or say a prayer of protection. I started doing that last night. I didn't think I needed to do that. Usually I just show up, do my show, and peace out. This isn't that kind of show and it has taken me this long to figure that out. I have never said a prayer or done any kind of ritual before a show. It's foreign to me, but I need it. I haven't prayed in so long, it felt wrong to pray now, when I need it. I only think about God, spirituality, faith when I need it. I don't just say thank you, or say hello, but when I need something, I call on God. That makes me feel selfish. I think that's why I avoided doing it. But I got over that last night and just did it anyway.

One more preview this morning before opening on Saturday. I hope people come to see this play.

In Darfur: Here we go

2010-03-30T15:54:00.000-07:00

We have our first audience tomorrow. I wish I could see it. I can hear it though. Matthew Nielson, our Sound designer is ah-mah-zing. He's great. His design is so right. I know our lighting designer Dan Covey is brilliant but I can't see his work cause I'm standing in it. Though, there is a moment in the play when everyone in the house let out an audible gasp because of a moment he created. I still didn't see it, but I know it's amazing. I feel supported by all of the design elements in the show, which I didn't expect. We're still working out some kinks here and there, but I'm not worried about anything major at all.

This was our final dress before we have an audience tomorrow night. Feeling drained after the show isn't necessarily the best indicator that you did well. That's normal for this show. I have lots of notes, I have room to grow, I'm still not there yet and I know it.

Derek urged us all to keep digging and keep pushing. This play demands that we continue to push for more. That helped lift me out of my funk. For a few minutes, while we were getting notes, I was feeling like I just couldn't do any more. 'I just can't act any better! Please, just let me settle!' lol. (What if somebody actually said that?) I wasn't that extreme, but I have to admit, for a second, I was feeling sorry for myself. But it's not supposed to be easy. This is hard. It's what I signed on for and I have to keep pushing. It's not there yet and we have to get as close as we can get. So I'm digging my head in further and trying to stay focused.

(lofty superhero voice) Use your acting Erika.

In Darfur: Victim Control

2010-03-29T06:39:00.001-07:00

Emotional weekend. My request last night to my husband was, "Can you hold me?"

The playwright, Winter Miller, said this would happen. During our first week of rehearsal when the violence was still on the page and not on the stage yet, she talked about what I'd need during this process. She said I'd need a bath, a massage, and someone to be tender and hold/hug me often. She said every actress who plays Hawa has a hard time emotionally. I've been doing fine, I'd say, until this week. It's been hard but it hasn't been quite like this. Beyond being emotionally drained and not having space for anything else, I've felt physically worn. My neck has been hurting and my back is in knots. It'd be great if I could afford a massage every two or three days.

So on our last day of tech, something happened to me. We were doing a fight sequence that has never bothered me before. All of the sudden I wanted to stop and take control of what was happening. I started to ask for fight choreography for things that were never a problem before. In tears I said, "I'm just tired of getting beaten up! I feel like I want control." I wasn't blaming the actors in the scene with me. Carl James and Brandon White are nothing but professional, caring men. They take care of me. But at that moment I needed to feel as if things weren't being done TO me for some reason.

Our fight choreographer Paul, said I was probably experiencing some form of "victim control." So he suggested that we do the fight again and before anything happens to me, I call out what the move is supposed to be. I call out the move and then it happens, as if I'm making it happen. I'm in control. He told me to watch the actors, where they were around me so that I knew what they were doing, so it wasn't a surprise. He also told me to think about something really wonderful half way through the fight so the emotional tension didn't continue to build. I guess he's dealt with this before because those two things worked. The whole day was hard for me, but I was at least able to make it through. My thanks to Paul...everyone really.

I'm doing a kids show at The Kennedy Center after this with puppets, singing, dancing, birds chirping and sunshine. Man, is that going to be refreshing.

In Darfur: Tech

2010-03-27T06:12:00.000-07:00

We're on stage today for tech. 11-11pm. Yesterday we did some spacing and scene/fight work on stage. It was great to feel what it was like up on stage before tech.

I've been hurting my neck during our fight work. I haven't even made it to preview week and I'm already messed up. It has been aggravated for a few days but today it's worse. I've got to take care of myself and be more careful with my body. I need to rest my neck or I'm not gonna make it. Simple movements are uncomfortable so I should probably make that known.

Beyond that, it feels great to be on the set. I can't wait to hear the sound and feel the lights. It's going to have a texture and life beyond us. I'm excited for the world to fill out.

Big Hot Mess

2010-03-25T14:31:00.000-07:00

Wow, have I been crazy this week? I've been vulnerable and hurt by things that normally don't sting so bad. A kids show with puppets is what's going to save me.

In Darfur: Pulse Check

2010-03-23T15:19:00.000-07:00

How is it going so far? I can't tell. It's moving in the right direction and it feels emotionally honest. The cast is invested and it's going to be beautiful but I just don't know how to speak about the process anymore. I mean, it's going well and I feel good about it, but this show is different. It'll be a personal conversation with each audience member every night. It'll be a personal experience that a theatre review won't really be able to assess.

I'm most interested in the post show discussions actually. I'll want to hear what people are feeling and thinking about after seeing it. The dialogue after is most important in my opinion. So, in a way, I feel like I'm just a spark, a catalyst for the real work that must be done. Even though it's been 7 years of genocide in Darfur with no significant American involvement, we still have to keep talking and thinking about what we can do and how we can do it.

My main concern is doing this character and this story justice. Of course, I don't want to suck either, but not because I'd face some embarrassing review or have failed in my peers' eyes. Instead, I don't want to suck because somehow that might mean that I didn't do Hawa, this one Darfuri woman I get to represent, justice. I'm hoping to bring Hawa to life in a powerful way and add my voice to the thousands of voices around the world who are asking/demanding that the U.S. do something about Darfur. My voice may be small and my voice may be late, but I'm adding it nonetheless. (Reading this paragragh, it sounds like I'm still putting an enormous amount of pressure on myself. How could I not do Hawa justice? What would that look like? It sounds like obligation. It sounds like responsibility. Those two things won't serve me. I can't represent all the Darfuri people. I can play this one woman and that's all I can do. I need to let go of this burden that still lingers.)

I'm also afraid. I'm afraid that this play won't mean a thing. I'm afraid that plays about topical issues make people turn away and put up a barrier. I'm afraid that it'll make people feel guilty and nothing more. Someone said to me, "We have enough guilt in America." I don't want anyone who comes to see this play to feel guilty. Guilt isn't helpful. I want them to feel the compassion for Hawa that I do. I want them to see her strength and resilience despite the inaction of the world. She's not another black, ashen face on a pamphlet asking for money for another food shortage in another country in Africa. She never asks you for anything. I hope that when she stands in front of you, you feel compassion for a woman who is, in many ways, just like you. We'll see how it continues to shape itself. I've got lots of work/growing to do but I'm feeling hopeful.

1.5 weeks till we have an audience.

Buy Tickets to In Darfur at Theater J

2010-03-12T20:24:00.000-08:00

IN DARFUR
March 31–April 18, 2010
By Winter Miller
Directed by Derek Goldman

Based on true events, this impeccably researched chronicle of the unfolding genocide in Sudan is a searing story of humanitarian urgency and compromised journalistic ethics. Can one woman's story stand for the plight of a nation? And what are the costs of mobilizing world opinion?

Cast:
Lucas Beck, Jessica Francis Dukes, Carl James, Rahaleh Nassri, Erika Rose, Deidra LaWan Starnes and Brandon White

Click HERE to purchase tickets.
Running Time: 1hr 20min

To learn more about the ongoing Darfur crisis, visit http://www.eyesondarfur.org/

In Darfur Cast Photo

2010-03-12T14:48:00.000-08:00

The cast of In Darfur with Playwright Winter Miller (She's the Blondie at top center)

The smallness we insist on...

2010-03-11T13:02:00.001-08:00

I had a pretty significant break through at rehearsal today. I won't share all of it, but I can talk about parts of it.

We are in week two of rehearsal. Last week we did table work, watched documentaries, listened to audio recordings of Sudanese speakers, heard first-hand accounts from the playwright Winter Miller and cried...a lot. It was a great first week. It was amazing. I can't find the words to describe how much I value our director, Derek Goldman, but soon I will, and I'll devote a post to him. I think he's amazing. I don't know if I could do this play (this honestly) with anyone else.

Okay, so today in rehearsal Derek talked about something he noticed in regards to how I was shaping Hawa (my character). Everything he said resonated. I have felt small on stage with our powerhouse cast. It's not just that the other actors are large (energy wise) it's that I was diminishing myself. I have been worried about the physical, the vocal, the internal the everything. And the result of all that worry and obligation was something smaller than my character and even smaller than me, myself. In my quest for being culturally sensitive, not doing Western gestures or emoting like a Western audience might expect, I had been doing something that wasn't strong at all.

This woman isn't needy. This woman has survived great tragedy and still she stands. Like a tree in the middle of the dessert, rough, forgotten, beautiful...a gift from God. I think I'm afraid to be the person I know myself to be. (Life long struggle alert!) I need to be reminded that I have permission to breathe, take the space, take the time and take the power that I know is mine. The person I am with my husband is not the person I allow others to see very often. When I'm with him (and a select few) I feel grounded, intelligent, calm, passionate, imaginitive, strong and fearless. This makes me think about the version of myself I bring into auditions.

What Derek (dir.) and I talked about today will shape the rest of the work I do in a real substantial way. It helps that I'm working with someone who isn't trying to find some hidden power I have, but instead already trusts that it's there...already sees it. It gives me great confidence to know that he values that side of me, that it wasn't hidden at all, because he saw it.

I wonder if anyone can truly hide anything. People notice things about you whether you want them to or not. Perhaps people can't name it, but they can certainly feel it on you (for better or worse). Can we bring these "hidden" things to light, or at least not work so hard at covering them up? So much wasted energy. There's much more power in the ugly, the fearful, the uncertain.

Anyway, I say all this to say that I am giving myself permission to be as powerful as I know myself to be. And hopefully I'll be surprised at how powerful I actually am.

Going to London!

2010-03-11T05:39:00.000-08:00

I got in to LAMDA (London Academy of Music and Dramatic Art)! It's a four week Shakespeare Intensive. I'm pretty excited. Grad school hasn't worked out, but it's not going to stop me from moving forward. I'm proud of myself. Not only that, but who wouldn't want to go to London for 4 weeks? Now I have to figure out how I'm gonna pay for it. :-)

The LAMDA promo video is below. I'm joining a great group of artists. (insert tongue in cheek)

A Rappin', Irish Spoon & Guitar playing musician/Composer and my Husband make art

2010-03-06T22:52:00.000-08:00

I had such a great night tonight. My husbands show, In Pursuit of Me, had its final performance. He directed a theatrical hip hop show at the Atlas Performing Arts Center. It was part of the Intersections Festival I've been working on. I've been doing their blog for the last three months. http://www.intersectionsdc.blogspot.com/

It has been pretty amazing to say the least. It was the first year of the festival but they have to do it again, they just have to. The turn out and the buzz was too great. Jane Lang and MaryHall Surface deserve most of the credit for the idea and the execution but they both had a fantastic staff and committee to make it happen. Kudos to everyone. It was unlike anything D.C. has seen.

The artist Christylez Bacon (L) is a multi-talented musician. He composes, he writes and raps, he plays the guitar, he beat-boxes, he plays these Irish spoons...and who knows what else he can do. Patrick, the director (R), helped Chris develop a one man show featuring Chris' life stories and original songs/raps. Patrick hired two actors to fill out the world. Jessica Frances Dukes and Baye Harrell couldn't have been any more perfect. They are both dynamic actors and they helped lift the story. They both have such amazing energy, precision, and skill.

Patrick, only had a few weeks to put it together. He had limited funds and limited time and it still turned out to be one of the most exciting shows at the Festival. Though you could argue that 90% of the success was attributable to the immense talent of Christylez Bacon, Patrick made it work. He's good at this...he really is, and it makes me feel so proud when everyone else recognizes it too. I'm not just the proud wife cheering in the background because I love my husband, I'm cheering because he's a dope artist.

It was a joy to watch Christylez in action and I can't wait to see where this piece goes from here. Congrats.

In Darfur: Emotional Outlet

2010-03-05T19:09:00.000-08:00

I've left rehearsal every day this week feeling stuck in the play. I can't read anything else or think about anything else. It's hard for me to concentrate on what people are even saying. I just want to check out. There's a surprising amount of laughter in the rehearsal room, but when you are exploring a play like this for 6 hrs a day, you can't help but be affected.

After rehearsal I've been going home to sit on the couch and not think. I've also been going to a rehearsal for a reading of David Emerson Toney & Chris Youstra's new musical. (We're reading it this Sunday at 7:30) And I managed to squeeze an audition in at Signature. But I hadn't yet managed to squeeze in any real time for myself to heal or release all this tension from rehearsals. Today, I remedied that.

Theatre J has a small, but well equipped gym. A perk of working there is being able to use their facilities fo' frizzeee. What I wanted to do today was go home and go to sleep, but I forced myself to go to the gym. I ran, I lifted weights, I used a few machines and felt great. My head started to clear. I stopped thinking depressing thoughts and I had energy.

I got home and didn't even feel the need to do my normal simultaneous t.v. and email thing. Instead, I went to my mom's house and cooked the fam some beets, brussell sprouts and chicken. My 7 year old nephew tried his first brussel sprout tonight. "It's delicious," he said, in that weird way kids can use phrases that seem a little too old for them. Then I watched him play five different video games. I crushed him in this Pizza Delivery game. I got 5 stars and he never has. Take that kid! We ended our night with a song about "doo doo." There's nothing better.

Post Removal

2010-03-04T22:06:00.000-08:00

I removed a post today that featured my rejection letter from Yale. I posted it in its entirety. James Bundy is the Dean of the School of Drama and Artistic Director of the Yale Rep. Okay, so, I not only posted his letter, but I added a few words to his letter that appealed to my own sense of humor.

For me, what I did with the letter was a full-circle, full disclosure ending to my grad school journey which I'd been blogging about for months. There's nothing wrong with that. I think it's valid. It's mine. It's my experience, but there's more to it than just myself when I decide to involve other people.

Okay, so here's why I'm understanding that it was really inappropriate: I posted something two days ago about competition. While writing it, I was thinking about the friend who sparked that particular post. In the post I mentioned our conversation, but I didn't mention her by name. I remember thinking about that and being careful with it. But I didn't take that same care with Mr. Bundy's letter. Was it because I wasn't thinking of him as a person? Maybe. I don't know him, but that's not a reason not to take him into consideration like I did with my friend. His name was all over that post. How could it not look like I was directing it at him?

A friend of mine didn't think I should delete the post. I grant it was a letter that went out to 500+ people who didn't get in to Yale, but how many of those people decided to post their letter on their blog and put a link to it on facebook? He was an actual person who sat down to write that letter, and probably took a while figuring out what to say to 500+ people. It might not have been easy to write a rejection letter, ya know? It wasn't a generic letter in the sense that it comes from a fortune cookie machine. A real human being wrote that, and when I posted it, for some reason, I wasn't thinking about that. How could you not? You ask. Good question. I don't know.

I know that I have a right to say what I want here, but I have choices when I present things. I could've played around with a rejection letter that I made up myself if I wanted to be playful or at least taken his name out and removed what school it came from and left it up to the reader to figure out. Any of those options would've been better. But when I use a letter verbatim...we have a problem. You know? It's not even about the fact that it's Yale, it's about real people. If I did that to my mentors at UMD, Mitch Hebert or Scot Reese, how could they not take it personally? I wouldn't do that to them.

I removed the post not because I had some ephiphany, though I wish I had. Honestly, I had forgotten I posted it. I didn't mean it as an attack even though, I'm sure it came off that way. I also didn't remove the post because the Yale School of Drama strong armed me. I took it down because someone I respect asked me to and I'm so glad they did. I get it. I wish I hadn't had to learn an ethics rule at Mr. Bundy's expense.

The damage is done, but, Mr. Bundy, if you ever read this, it wasn't personal. Sorry.

Sincerely Removing Foot From Mouth,
Rika Rose

In Darfur: Rehearsal, Tears, Release, Purpose

2010-03-04T21:19:00.000-08:00

Our first week of rehearsal is almost over. We've begun conversations about the extensive amount of violence that happens in the play and started dialect work. There's so much to uncover and mine that I wish we had one more week of rehearsal tacked on somewhere. I'm not worried about the time we have, I just think it deserves more time.

I'm having difficulty with this Sudanese accent (rolling r's and the stacatto sound and hard constonants that are usually associated with Arabic). I've also never played a character who is this different from me, culturally. A Sudanese Muslim woman has customs and a way of carrying herself that are antithetical to the way I operate in the world. I'm concerned about my Western physicality. We're not even on our feet yet, but it's good that I'm already thinking about it. I am a physical actor and for most of the play my face and body are covered. I've never done mask work before but I think it might help. (This is where training could aid my craft)

This play takes a lot out of all of us. I'm drained every day, I know others are too. I've been crying everyday and if tears don't come out, your body still feels like it's mourning. You just never know what will grab you. And we haven't even started to incorporate the violence. Just hearing the play can make you lose it. I can't wait to get to the place where I can read it, feel it, but not have to cry about it. At some point you don't have any more tears. What's left to cry about?

I need to start working out after rehearsal. I need a release. A few days ago I had a drink and a half. Not a good idea. That's not what my body wanted. I should've gone to that dance class, or gone to do improv with friends or come home and gone to sleep. I can't drink my tension away. I need to take care of myself better. Winter Miller, playwright, has been so fantastic. She is passionate about her play, and also has a wicked sense of humor. When she came into the room that first day, I think we, as a group laughed more than we had all day. I think she has a real sense of how much you need to laugh when doing this play. Well, that and she's also just funny.

She is sensitive to the process as well. She was going to stay and listen to the play for the first time a few days ago, but I talked about some pressures I was feeling and the cast spoke about what they were feeling as well and she decided to come back another time. I was so thankful for that. She sensed that we needed more time on our own and she left. I appreciated that so much. It was so kind and...I don't know...aware of her. She's a special person.

Special things are happening in the room. I've been nervous about talking about what's happening because I've been scared to jinx it. I was thinking maybe our mojo would disappear if I named it. But I have nothing to name. It's just a feeling. It's a beautiful play and a beautiful, flawed and brave group of souls have gathered together to tell this story. And, maybe for the first time in my life, I feel a deepe sense of purpose. It's fulfilling and terrifying.

Competition

2010-03-03T20:39:00.000-08:00

I just had a great conversation with a friend of mine tonight about competition. We both get called for the same roles quite often. Sometimes I get it, sometimes she does, sometimes neither of us do. Are we competitors? I guess so, but I don't see it that way. Maybe it's naivete, but I don't think I'm competing with anyone. (Anyone reading this prob. thinks I'm nuts.) If I am competing with anyone, I'm competing with everyone...white women, latinas...everyone.

If there are two black women auditioning for the same role, what are you looking at? "Which black girl do we choose this time? Oh let's choose the one with more hair. Let's choose the taller one. Let's get the girl with relaxed hair." If it's actually about that, I don't want to be in that play.

I am nothing like any actress in town. Me and my sister aren't even alike and we grew up together. How can someone be like me? You didn't come from where I came from. You don't see the world the way I do. (Simplifying it, I know) There's type, which I understand, but then there's energy and personality and uniqueness. Once you get past type, it's about who the hell you are as a person, right? I can't imagine waiting around in an audition hoping that person "x" doesn't walk in because they're going to "take my role." It's already gone if your head is in that place.

I did a show a few years ago with a cast of fantastic actors and while in the dressing room an actress asked everyone who their arch nemisis was. Everyone kind of answered, but I didn't have one. The arch nemisis was supposed to be the person who takes all your roles. I said that there were people who played roles I would like to play, but I couldn't say there was one actress in town who "took my roles."

I wanted to be in Eclipsed at Woolly REALLY bad and I didn't get it. But nobody "took my role." I've auditioned at Arena and Ford's and have never worked there. The women who have ended up getting a role I may have wanted didn't take anything from me. The role wasn't for me, or at least that's what I tell myself. There are people, unique individuals like we all are, who can do some things naturally, that I might have to work at. If a director knows me and knows I'm capable and is willing to work with me on something because they like me, perhaps they'll choose me...maybe. But if an actor nails it, or has some kind of natural kinship with a character, is already close to a character, then it should be theirs (not always true, but you knowm sayin).

I think I've been lucky here in D.C., for sure but I think I've stayed sane in this business because I know what I can do. I know that I have something that no one else has. It doesn't make it better, but it does make it unique. I didn't remember that when I was in New York way back in 2002. I had a year and a half of rejection there. It was good for me though. And if you're thinking, "Erika, you don't get rejected here in D.C.! You work all the time! Shut up." I say, "You shut up." Yes, I do work a lot, but I also actually get rejected. I might audition for 7 shows and get 2 for the year...maybe...and I'd hope they were 2 I actually wanted and not two shows just so I have a job. Knowmsayin? Sometimes you win and sometimes you get unemployment.

I just got off unemployment. Wooot wooot!

I Care

2010-03-02T19:08:00.000-08:00

Where do I begin? In Darfur.

We have had two rehearsals so far and I can't tell you how excited, and scared I am about this play, this subject and this role. I'm honored and am a little freaked out by my task.

The playwright Winter Miller is here. She is such a great help, insight, tool...gift to have in the rehearsal room especially with this play. She traveled with New York Times Reporter Nick Kristoff to do research for this play. So hearing her first hand stories and pictures has been invaluable.

I've been having emotional reactions to the text (my characters journey) that I did not anticipate. I'm shocked actually. Leading up to this production I did research, read the play a few times and sort of stayed on the information side of Darfur. I hadn't thought about actual people yet. I was just dealing in numbers and the historical/political context of it all. Before rehearsal I was worried about the play being heavy on information. I hadn't read it with an emotional connection yet. It hadn't touched me yet. There were people who read it around me who were moved beyond words. I wasn't feeling that connected to the piece. That made me nervous. I wondered if I should be in this play, in this role.

Rehearsal starts and Derek Goldman, our director and Ari Roth talk about what this play has meant to them, what they think it'll mean to the audience and the larger movement for change and action in Darfur. They got me excited...and nervous. I was understanding for the first time what we were embarking on.

We read the play and half way through, something I'm reading just grabs me. I was reading it like I had been reading it before and then all of the sudden I really heard what I was saying. I really saw what I was saying. "I watch my husbands skull get bashed in." I lost it. It was hard to get through the rest of the monologue. It was embarassing to snot all over the place but I was also glad, at the end of the day, that the play finally touched me.

I don't want to do plays that I don't care about anymore. I'm not saying I'll only do plays that make me want to start crying all over the place either. I just want to care about my work. It could be a gut busting comedy or a kids show that I want my nephew to see. I just want to care about it. So, I was glad to know that I cared about this one.

Our cast is great. People keep saying "star studded," and all that. That's true, but what's more true is the space of safety, love and purpose that is being created in the room. I think that's what makes the people in the room amazing. Something special is happening and I'm glad to be a part of it.

I can't say enough about Derek Goldman. He's a smart, intuitive, caring man who goes with the flow. I feel so safe in his hands.

Day two, done.

Not So Secret Journal

STICK FLY Broadway Opening Night: Interviews

The checks will come in

"Just say it"

Always Starting Over

"don't manipulate yourself"

An Opportunity for Understanding: Clybourne Park

It's really happening...

"Ithaca is Gangsta"

A Little Rilke

Memorizing Hell

Baby trashes bar in Las Palmas

Finding My Way Back Home Again

UP NEXT!

Clicking my heels

RUINED at Philadelphia Theater Company

Speechifying at the 2011 Helen Hayes Awards

Helen Hayes Awards 2011

Helen Hayes Timeline

I just won a Helen Hayes Award!

Helen Hayes Super Mario Dust

Adult bullies get a pass...

Another Ope-nin, Another Show!

120/96

Theater Segregation

It's okay to believe...

Advice from Toney

When do you allow yourself to believe?

Charlayne Woodard's Phone Advice

UP NEXT: STICK FLY at Everyman & RUINED at Philadelphia Theatre Company

Writing and re-writing

Training for the Game

The Tao of Show Business

Seminar Notes: How to Get/Keep an Agent

Read More Closely

Commercial Class Tonight

I misspelled Awwwesome

Awwwkwwarrrd

New Headshots, No constipation

Morning Realization

Waking Into It

Waxing Accident

Artistic Partner

The Lost LAMDA Files

It's the Season to be Pregnant

Coaching Session

Paging Erika...

Drowning Beauty (Artist Jason de Caires Taylor)

Motherhood Madness WSJ Article

By ERICA JONG

Celebrity Moms

2,000 Years of Parenting Advice

Sensitive Much?

Dubai is for Lovers

Sesame Street: I Love My Hair

What keeps you up at night?

Secrets for Strangers: TONIGHT!

LAByrinth Theater: A kick in the balls

Me Talk The Thinking In My Head

This made me sit up

Face to Face with Guts

Feeling the Pressure

Black Irish Rose

(Rare) Sunny Day

Lamda Group

A School for Scandal

One-on-One Theater in London

I'm a Master Traveler

Queens or Bust

Faith

New Things Coming

I am FULL OF IT

Enjoy Where You Are

1-800-GENOCIDE

Closing IN DARFUR

NYU Rejection Email

Confessions

Blurring Your Eyes

My husband...

The Washington Post--In Darfur Review