Yesterday, I attended a memorial service for a friends' mother who recently passed away. I found out via a post on social media that she had passed. Though I hadn't seen my friend in years, I realized that the service would be near me and that I had an opportunity to be there. When the service ended and we went to share condolences with the family I weirdly kept thinking and also said, "thank you." I could not figure out why I felt so grateful. Saying "thank you" to people who are grieving is beyond strange but I was overwhelmed with gratitude that was mixed with sadness. I kept wondering why "thank you" was on my tongue. I spent the car ride and most of today thinking about why. Here's what I've discovered: I was thankful for the privilege and honor to be able to witness and be in the presence of their mother's love. There was such beauty in the room, such open heartedness, such joy, such sadness, such support, such fullness of hu
I never thought I'd be a mother. Hell, I never thought I'd get married! Here I am. Here we are. This shit is hard and it's so wonderful and it fills me up to the brim. Sometimes that feels exactly right and other times it feels like I'm lost. I'm 38. I've never cared much about getting older but I think having kids starts a clock, a new one. How much time do I have left with these beautiful human beings we just created? How much time do I get to see their faces and hold their hands and kiss them and play with them? Raising children seems like it will be the most important thing I will ever do in my life. I understand why people say that now. And yet, I also feel lost in the abyss of motherhood and long for my body back, my space, my thoughts, my career and my relationship with my husband. This thing called motherhood/parenthood is not for the weak. We'll make it, whatever IT is, all of us. We'll be ok. It doesn't always feel like we'll be ok, b